I can't believe I am counting hours till I meet up with you again.
It's pathetic. I can't live with the fact that I can't live without seeing you.
I can't think, I can't even sit down calmly, I panicked.
Last night I dreamt, that I won't be seeing you today, and then in the dream, I counted the hours till you would actually be available for me. Like how I am doing now.
Oh man, I sound pathetic, It's bruising my damned ego.
Not always though, just sometimes, when I think too much.
The truth is, I love you,
But the thing is, I'm confused.
To me you're the most important thing to me now.
But you know what, before you, there was Him, and even when you're here, He constantly coming in and out of my mind. There was always, Him. And He's still here.
I love you so much - it hurts like hell.
But come to think of it, do you feel the same like I do?
Does it hurt, when you think of not having me there? or Leaving me?
Can you breathe, when you think of, not having to see me, even for a day?
Can you eat, can you sleep, when you know that I'm not around?
Does it feel overwhelming when you see me. You just don't know what to think.
Your mind will go blank. Your eyes are just me, your ears just want to listen to what I will say, as when I kiss you, your soul is as if it would come out through yours to mine.
Nothing else matters. Just me. Just you and me. That's all that matters. Our world. Our life.
It's love then. It is love. But you know what. I have a question.
How long that will last? till I die? even when I'm dead?
How bout if there would be a life after that, would it change?
How sure are you? How are you sure that it will last that long?
Some how just now, I got a calling. About my life. About how I should be.
I've been wasting my time here. I've been enjoying myself too much.
I know I'm doing it, but somehow, I'm always drifted away.
I'll always forget about it. Even when ibu would constantly call me, reminding me bout my failures, from my past. I know I am better, and I know I should be better. But I just cant do it.
Too many distractions, I'm so easily distracted.
Hearing what Afiq said on the phone, I felt like I was struck by lightning or something, I mean. Come on, you got this, a week before you exams, doesn't that mean God still cares about you? Reminding you, that you're drifted away, from the way you should be? Come on girl don't tell me you're saying this is a fcking coincidence, it's fcking not!
Motherfather?! I'm pissed now. I need to wake up!
Wake up Motherchoot, wake up!!! Stupid asshole.
You've been wasting your time, and you still have time to make up for it.
Stop it! Stop dreaming!
You can start dreaming again when finals are over!!
Hey, it's now the study week, which means, next week is the last week, for us college buddies to be together. Awh? How I hate time so much, it just passes right before you know it! Motherchoooooot. Somehow, the feeling that I have now, it's like how I felt when school was going to be over, when I know I'm gonna leave my friends, and when I know, it's gonna end, soon. Oh man, I hate this feeling. I don't want to leave here yet, well I still have 2 semesters, wtf am I talking about kan? But still, this feeling, it's just. Not good.
Or is it the feeling before raya? LOL I guess I just took it the wrong way then. Haha. I don't know, this raya's gonna be different. And it's gonna be, waaaaay different. but it's okay. doesn't matter. Life goes on, and on, and on. So why bother.
Things had happened alot this year. And I just love the fact that I don't get tired of all this. but this morning when I woke up, I feel like I've gotten older abit, I feel that I should grow up. oh maaaan, this sucks. I don't wanna grow up, I don't ever wanna grow up.
Somehow, sometime this week, or maybe it was a couple of days ago.
I realise that I don't need to lie to myself, anymore. I realise that I am the type that like to comfort others, but not myself. I've been lying to myself, all this time. I need to wake up. I need to straighten things up. I need to be bold, and more sure of myself. I need to stop talking shit about others, and stop thinking about what others may think, or say. I have my own life. They're nothing but jealous. I need to start making me feel good. I need to be, me.
How is me? I don't even know. Eventually we will all learn about her when time comes. Or when time passes by. Weeeeeeeee~
Last night I dreamt of being somewhere quite familiar, a shopping mall. Where things in the dream were more chilled out, the feeling of when I was in the US, more relaxed, less problems, less reality dramas, just full of shits, and happy happy stuff. I was walking, then in the dream, guess who's in it. yeah I was quite shocked too. It was Kenta. Yeah my lil Kengo. In the dream, we were holding hands, and we were walking while talking, then I saw some roadshow about prom dresses, and both of us planned out to get into one, and get ourselves pictures of it. Both of us laughed. Both of us missed each other so much, in the dream. In reality, I miss him so much. Time just passes by fast, I didn't even realise. Then in the dream, he was holding my hand, taking me down an elevator, to victoria secret, then I said, oh yeah Kenta, ofcourse you would know where VS is?! haha. It was funny, we both laughed. Then I told him how much I missed going into VS and just do nothing but to smell parfums, or just to look at new stuffs that's just in. It's just fun that way. And knowing Kenta, he would make faces when I would show him 'rare' or weird stuffs in it. And sometimes, he would just say, lets go to Abercombie, again. Haha oh I miss those times. I wish I could do it again, with the same person, at the same mall, and maybe have starbucks java chip again, or even passion tea. Or even Panda Express. With my lil Kengo. I miss my lil Kengo.
Home called. Just now. My lil brother was on the line, asking me what was I up to. So I said I was studying. Then he asked again, searching for confirmation. Sis, what are you doin, so I answered, I'm studying.
Then suddenly, he laughed, so bad. And said, You! Studying? Ibu, sis is studying!
It's July, already. I'm studying - trying at least. I couldn't get this thing into my head. I mean I want to study, but it just doesn't wanna go in. WTF
Well worse can happen. I'm sleepy now, kinda. Wonder why? Slept for almost 9 hours but it's just not enough. I need to study, mid-terms are coming up this Tuesday.
Owh, btw, I'm so freaking out, cause my birthday's coming - soon! WTF, why am I freaking out? Cause I think my friends are planning out something, that'll surely be bad. OMG. I just hope there's no egg and flour involve though, ergh the thought just made me more and more nervous.
Ergh I'm turning 19 soon. So soon right? Wait, I feel like I'm just 17, why is it my age's 19? I don't want to be 19, I want to be 17. :(
Somehow, lately I think of father alot. I miss him. Wonder why. Maybe I just do. The thought made me feel as if I'm living in this fantasy world, denying all the shit and crap that's going on with my life, avoiding reality, and running away from it. Yeah, that's how I feel now. I just can't get out of myself. My crappy self.
I feel bad, I feel stupid. I'm feeling sorry for ibu. I'm sorry for her, for having me. I need to change. I have to change. It's time laaah. I love you, and I miss you. Guess this world wont last that long eyh, but surely, my love will.
I am thinking of the night when we randomly chose to go to PD for a lepak-ing by the beach. It was a wonderful night. I never liked hanging out by the beach, I don't hate it, but it's just not my favourite. Maybe because the air is salty and sticky, and sand would just be everywhere, on me. Then it'll be a fuss to clean up all those things. But now,I am so looking forward to going to beaches, at night again. With two of my most favourite people. I just love them. In different ways, that is.
It was a cold night. The air was breezy and the moon was full and bright, it lighted up the beach. It was beautiful, it was calming, and it was, an amazing feeling. Maybe I should have a house by the beach someday? Who knows?? Maybe I could.
We walked, and we walked, and we searched for lil crabbies, and he killed some. Which made me come up with the 'God of Crabs' stories. Haha. It was weird. It was funny. At least he was with me.
Then came the part where we talked, and we sulked, and I got pissed, when he went in total silence, dodging my questions with something like "it's nothing" and "don't worry". I was hurt. I feel hurt. But it doesn't change, I understand. It's okay. I'll leave him alone then. I won't ask anymore, I don't want to make him annoyed. I don't want to do things he doesn't like. Things that would change everything.
I know how I feel, I'm just not sure of how he feels.
All the time, we want to solve things by ourselves, cause we know we're capable. Other times, we want others to handle it for us, maybe because we just want it to be that way. But sometimes, when there's something really bad that comes, And you've done everything you can to solve it, You thought about it, you talked about it, you even tried making it work out in some kind of way, but you just don't. What happens then? you'll just give up and stay that way? or you'll try something else? What if there's nothing else anymore, and you can't handle it, where do you go?
No where.
No where in this world, that is for me. There's always a solution to EVERYTHING. That's a fact. And that's what it is. If there's an unsolvable solution to a thing, then there's only the question of or about God. On how He works, Or How He does things. Because anything else besides what He does, is solvable.
He is God. So why can't you just ask for His help, when you know, no living creature in this world can help you. Is it because you feel sinned? Is it because you don't think that it's going to work? Why are you so impatient? So why is it that you always blame Him for things you can't have, or things you can't solve?
I think despite all the things we've done to ourselves, and everybody around us, it's just unfair, that God still gives us hope, shelter, love, and most importantly, our lives. And in return, we ask for more things, we want more stuff. We blame Him for things we've done. Isn't it sad?
Why is it hard for you to actually just lower your ego, just realise that you can get hurt, you'll die eventually. So why can't you just ask for help, cause you're no Superman.
There's no such thing as a 'Superman', dumbass. Stop living in denile. And start living in reality. cause in the end, no matter how sweet fantasies may be, you would just fall back and get hurt in reality. Cause you've been dreaming too much. That's why.
Bapak, I miss you. Just wish you were here. just now I was browsing through my contacts, and found your number. I miss you so much. Happy Father's Day. Al-Fatihah.
'Aren't they taking it fast?' 'If the feelings are mutual, then why not?' 'Yes, but then again, for how long will the 'feelings' stay mutual?'
Well that's a topic to talk about. I think, feelings are, playful. They demand things, they're posessive, they frequently change, and the saddest part is, they dissolve. Easily. You're not sure what is what. One day you like this person, the next week or month, poof! It's gone! Just like that! You're not certain that it's going to always be there. But still you see people in relationships, some mantained for years. Some, doesn't even have the chance to start. I mean, it's cool. I'm not opposing or agreeing to anything. It's not a problem at all. It's just a thought I would want to write about,
It's just a thought of that people just want to be in a relationship. Why? Are you seriously ready for it? Are you sure you're ready for the hell of a roller coaster ride? Since relationship, or as you may think, Love is not some kiddy rides you could just get on and laugh and laugh and laugh. It's not that LAME.
People don't think, they dream instead. What are they dreaming about? Sex 24/7 or when ever you can get your time at? or even marriage? what about kids? and how about laying under the stars talking about how special the person is?
Oh come on. Just chill. And relax. Why do you want to think about something that you don't even know or can grasp even a 5% of it. Don't dream too much, they'll break you. Just so you know, too much of dreams and hopes, kills you. You'll end up wasting your youth life, by being sad and depressed over some shit thing your partner did to you. Angry about things that doesn't even actually matter. All for what? If it's not worth it, If it's not a happy relationship, why stay?
Having relationships, is a thing to make you feel more secure, more confident, and more comfortable of yourself. Someone that makes you feel stronger, makes you smile in the morning when you wake up, you would have some vibes coming out of you when you see that person, and the hair on your neck would automatically stand up, or you would get goosebumps when you would just think about that person.
But then again you always have to make sure, it's not one-sided.
If that's the case. I'm sorry, maybe there's something wrong about you, that the other person's just not that into you. Too bad.
Was back in Kedah the other day, skipped Monday classes just to sleep in the bus for 6hours. It was good, I didn't expect to hangout with friends and everything, cause the reason to go back was just to see my lil sweethearts, and well, my dearest abang. I missed them so much, It burns!
My acne got really bad when I was there, wonder why? So my lil brother told me that he used this cream on his acne and it worked, and he gave it to me, which was Drapolene - a nappy rash cream. So I was shocked, of course. I mean come on, you don't put that on your face, or do you?
He was very convincing, like really convincing me to put it. So I did, twice. And the next day when my mother was driving me to the bus stop she asked me about it. So I told her, then she was like, making a weird face, then suddenly my brother laughed out loud in the back seat.
Oh Shit.
You got the picture.
So I laughed. Really bad. So does my mom.
So yeah that was the story of when I went back to Jitra.
Truthfully, for these past few weeks, I feel like shit. I was not myself, I don't remember where I put it, or lose it. I'm gona find you somehow, and when I do....
Somehow, these past few days, I feel lighter. I know what I want to do, and well it's just that I just have to reconfirm on it. That's all. I have to be sure of what I feel, what I think.
The thing is, I was just lost. Lost in my mind, my head. My imagination. My thoughts.
I should just stop doing that, cause if not, when can I start to concentrate in class? I mean lately, I finally started to concentrate in class. I've lost that, for years. But now I'm redeeming it again. I don't want to be a loser anymore.
I don't want to be useless, reckless, pointless. I don't want to be nothing.
This is it. I'm gona go home this week. I want to start to change. I always say this. But now, it's done.
I'm not gonna say anything. I just want to make it clear to myself, that I should just chill, and get the best out of myself. Do the best for me. For My Own Benefits.
Why don't you just shut the ____ up and just DO IT !
Yesterday seemed to be a messed up day, 11.30 am, a call woke me up and I found out that it was the event manager that called and told me that I can perform from then till 12 and start again at 1 to 3. So I was shocked since I thought we're about to perform at night, where you know, there would be alot of people and well, she said nope it's like now, and she also said, that Azman already knew about this.
So I woke up, feeling giddy, panic attacked me and I called Azman finding out he just woke up, and he didn't know about it. So okay, I called her back, while getting ready for the show. She answered, the first thing I asked was, where are we going to perform, and then she said, the CAFETERIA. Okkkkaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy? THE WHAT?!!!!!!!!!! and oh ! well she also said that we're the only one who's gonna perform, great !
I mean if we're the only ones about to go sing at the cafeteria might as well we just go sit somewhere at KLSENTRAL, put out a hat in front of us, and sing there. WTH. So both of us decided to ditch the 'performance' and leave to KL.
We talk and bitch all day.
We both had Subway's Italian b.m.t, and it was good.
On the way to KLCC in the Lrt, I was hungry again. But I bared with it.
So we walked to Pavi and we walked and walked, tired, still walking.
Then we went to BB, walk again, walk and walk and walk.
I went grumpy, I was tired, my hipbones are killing me.
I want to just sit down.
But despite everything, I love walking with this lil boy.
It seems like, there's alot of school kids today, and it annoys the crap outta me and him. Acting cool and everything, ergh, KIDS.
Surprisingly, I only spent a total of Rm 60 and it includes a new skarf, 2 new hair clippers, and a headband, and food and transportation. And I'm Happy :D
Anyways!
Now I feel bad, cause I wanted to get a shoe from Cotton on yesterday, but I didn't cause I thought maybe I would like get it when it's on sale. And now I feel bad, and I really wanted that shoe. The nostalgia of ZARA shoes now begin, FCUK I should have gotten that shoe!
Anyway it's okay I'll get over it, I'll get over it, I have to get over it!
So yeah today I'm just gonna chill, do my assingments that I've been stocking up, and maybe hangout with Azman again, have KFC or something. Perhaps Ilyas's gonna come back tonight. Yeah we'll see how it goes then, I still have my Eng summary that's due tomorrow ! Oh S h i t s ! haha
Something has gone wrong this morning, it's not like I woke up from the wrong side of the bed, that'd be preposterous since there's only one side of the bed that I can get down to. And it's not like I haven't had enough sleep or anything cause I slept for almost like 11hours! Seriously I don't think there's anything wrong with anything but the thing is there must be something wrong if not I won't feel this way! What's wrong with me?
Anyways,
The thing is, I feel, tired. Wonder why?
I don't feel anything in my chest, except for, nothing.
So far till just now when I came back from my lil date, I went to the dryer machine and found out that my clothes that was suppose to be in it(because I had put them it in of course!) was in the washing machine, still damp, FCUK!
I laughed! Seriously I did, and I wonder why? Maybe because I was in a good mood. but seriously I just hope that bitch would just suffer tremendous unrecoverable body rash despite of her well mannered act she did, TO ME! Fcuk luckily I don't know who the hell she is, If not she would seriously get a copyrighted slap on her pretty face from me.
Last week Azman asked me to join him perform in a lil charity concert that's gonna be in this week. So we're gonna audition for it, he's playing the guitar, while I sing. It's so thrilling, I can't feel my fingers typing! LOL At first we decided to do The Only Exception, then we moved to Bad Romance, then suddenly it's Thinking of You! OMG all of them are my all favourite songs!
I'm excited. :D I love singing. I love singing. I love singing. Hahahha. I want to rehearse this mantra for this moment. So that I have the 'vibe' to do it. LOL
Anyways gotta get to bed now, class is in like 3 hours! WTF? haha
Last night, something went terribly wrong with me, again. As usual I got cranky and moody, and my heart would throbbed solemnly, destroying a fine rainy day, and a wonderful football match night. What a piece of crap to have this shitfeelings. Anyways it went uncontrollable and I really felt sick of it.
Then, in the work of God I felt like reading and I came into the next season of this manga that I was following. Something about this episode that made me think hard, and made myself clear about certain things. Totally changed my perspective on myself, and made me think " Wow, I never thought life could be so simpler, deal with your problems, not making them deal you, just be yourself, shut down your feelings ( for awhile) , concentrate on one thing, and that is your passion, your life, your future, YOU. "
And after that, I felt better, I was cured by my sick self, and I went smiling around in my room, with my arms wide open. Just to exaggerate things more, I was rolling around on my single bed while singing Lady gaga's new song till I fell down and laughed about it and thought of rolling some more while sing of another song ( well that's like too much now!)
The point is, I was better. I feel better. And just by that, people around me, felt even better. I mean if everyone's happy, I don't think there's even some lil time to be sad about anything.
Yes I agree some people have their own problems, but come on, there's nothing in this world you can't do, and by your own choice, it's wether you want it or not. That's all. Still not satisfied? Okay, you've no idea what I've been through my life, so what the fuck is wrong with you?!
I think, Life is not about being sad or disappointed, it's about what you have in your life that makes you wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, excited, and have a smile on your face when you're goin to bed at night. If you don't know what it is, search for it, with diligence, with your heart.
Honestly, I haven't found what I want in my life, or what I would love to do in or with my life, but it doesn't mean I have to be sad and crappy all the fcking time? Right? Why don't I just go with what so ever is happening, do the best, and well, maybe in time, I'll know what I want. I mean for sure, God wont let me be in err.
It's good that rather than I would be sad about a person that doesn't even mean anything to me, I should instead be learning about myself, cause I can sometimes,amuse myself ! lol!
How time had pass. How I lied that I wouldn't let a single tear drop for you How I thought at first that I would never be sad for you anymore, or sad when you left, I was arrogant, I was stubborn, which you taught me that, Both of us were, stupid. Childish.
I now imagine myself when I was younger, when I was feeble, when I didn't know the world, when I thought that all I have in this world, was only me, I was furious, I was angry, I despise you.
But then I grew older, I fell down, I got up, my heart was broken, my chest was wide open, my head filled with questions and thoughts, my tears shed without limit. Then only I understand you, then only I forgave you, then only, I realize, I pitied you. I felt sorry for you. but at the same time I loved you, and I needed you.
You are what you are, I was just growing up to be what I am, I should just give in, instead of being hardheaded, as much as you tried to win our hearts, I stayed cold, I was you. I am you.
I regretted that now. I didn't gain anything from that, I cried by the scent of you now, I miss you, somehow? I wonder how?
I understand now, I'm sorry, I know you've already forgiven me, but the guilt will always be there, scarring me.
It's okay, this is my penalty, for not being myself, for being an egomaniac, for being stupid.
Thank you. You've trained me well, there's nothing I can't handle in my life now. I'm so forever grateful, for everything you've done, everything you've said, everything you've given me. I love you, I'm sorry.
Yesterday I woke up at 1010 am to the realization that I am late for the only class of the day - Good job Liyana! Anyways, I went to shower, and got dressed, and walked to class, 20 minutes later. Knocked on the door, went in, sat downtook out my book, and 5 minutes later, it's dismissed.
WOW! AWESOME.
Had lunch with the group after that, went back to my room a few times since I continuesly forgot stuffs, and well at least I had myself some walking exercise. No complaints.
At first the plan was that Nissa and us are goin out together, but she couldn't come, so it's just me and Chris. I just randomly decided to go to Border's in MidValley, but in the end, we ended up having a late lunch at Subway's and went for a stroll around KLCC. Haha, what a day!
Was searching for toilets on every freaking floor and the management decided to close them down for maintainence, lastly went to Parkson's( I guess?) or was it Isetan? anyway I went to their toilet, which was in bad shape, erkh, made me eery and furious!
We were squished in the KTM like a tin of sardine on the way back to Nilai, it was bad, adding up the fun was some Bangla's body odour, and OMG it was Great! Oh, it's giving me goosebumps now!
I had a tiring day, we walked and walked and walked, and well, you got the picture. But I just loved my company, I didn't mind waiting for the effing bus of Nilai not showing up till 10pm!
Time passed swiftly as both of us was pouring out our hearts, in english,(since both of us would mock each other in Malay, LOL), while sitting outside of the apartment, watching cats and guards passed by with their motorcycles, and some students came in and out, but we sat, and talked expressionally loud, and laugh our hearts out. Luckily some one didn't came up to us and beat us up for all the noise!
It was nice. I loved it. I just hope we can do it again and again.
Anyway, today I woke up at noon, thanks to him! I thought I would be goin back to Cknuat's place today, but I decided not to, I have so many things to do in my room! So I'm done with the laundry, and the floor is swept, and mopped clean, I had MCD for lunch, had a gruesome moment with the 'cuka kurma', erkh I can't believe I have to drink it everyday, it's horrifying! What's left now is the mountain of clothes that needs some ironing! Oh yeah I'm getting independent again! lol. haha.
I feel great doing things by myself! I need time for myself, I want to spent more time, organizing my stuff, and just be in my room, cause it's just so comfy, I just can't stand it when I'm away!
I am somehow, loving it here. I love my space, my time, I love my new friends, and best of all, I'm having fun all the time. erh, I think this would worry ibu if she happens to found this journal by accident! lol haha
Don't worry Ibu I know my limits! I love you!
It's goin to be Mother's Day soon. Sulida kept calling me to check on her card for ibu, haiz, what a poet! She's amazing! I think she copied it from somewhere, and well I think she doesn't do that? I hope?! Whatever it is, I'm so proud!
Perhaps tomorrow I'm gona go get some things at 'the most happening place' in Nilai.
The day of the first semester started today. It was, LAME. I woke up early with the first class, cancelled, and the next one had an early dismissed, so as the 3rd one, and the last class, ENG 112, had me almost lose my mind for 2 hours?!
Anyway, today seems to be, a tiring day, since I forgot to take my vitamins this morning, and I also forgot to take my medication, lol. Nevermind, had it already.
I wonder, why some people just are too rude. Jeez makes me wanna slap them with the door. lol Seriously there's this one bitch in class, and she's making me mad.
Went to Desa Palma, had nasi kandar, with fellow zoo members, lol. And decided to take a stroll around INTI for just a mere 10 minutes! hahha. It was weird and Random. Lol. And I saw a white with black 'love shape' cat, which for me is very cool! OMG. lol
The thing is now, is that I'm so pissed off by the itchiness of my body, that I'm scratching till bleeding(just an expression-don't come asking me about it,lol), of allergance of DUST that's piling up in my room, like everytime! even my bedsheets are all itchy. DAMN.
I'm gona get a mop tomorrow! It's driving me nuts!
O M G. It's been a while. Actually I am kinda sleepy now, but I can't sleep peacefully if I don't write down what I'm thinking of now!
Well first thing's first. I was in Nilai UC for these last 2 weeks, and it was undescribable! I mean I didn't think I'll be making lots of friends, in such a short time! I am improving. I am looking forward to go back to college, isn't that great? LOL. (now this seems to be my trademark?)
Seriously, I already know who's my enemy the first week of orientation! Like SERIOUSLY! I even have friends that call each other by the type of animals found in the campus, for instance, the monkey-which are many many many around my apartment. There are even puppies, and tigers, lizards, CATS, etc.. etc.. I mean, it's almost like a mini zoo!
The fun part about it, is that I am already loving it! Although the session was ridiculously boring! But the fun was always there when I'm with friends.
Things wasn't always a good thing this week, I also had some problems regarding some people who decided to be concern about my fcking life, whereas I never actually found the point after we had some 'discussions' and family gatherings. And I just couldn't stand it anymore that I snapped and decided not to bother about it anymore. They are smartasses, and who am I to say anything to them, so I might as well just shut up. And forget. Not forgive, though.
The good thing is, I have my friends, to chill me up. I don't know why, but somehow, they help me. It's great.
I miss them already, especially the monkey. Somehow, I'm thinking of the monkey now. Weird?
I won't be selfish and burden my heart with my own thoughts anymore. I'll stay the same, as you wished. No more expectations, no more dreams. Just you and me, just us. I'll love you, I'll stay that way. Cause I do. And whatever will happen next, I don't want to be the one who'll decide. But He will.
Seriously, I'm having trouble with my self. I wan't to solve this, I hate being in dilemmas. but the thing is I don't know how to solve it!
The truth is I love being with you. I need you, I want you. But I know that, I can't have you to myself. I want to, but it doesn't seem possible, I don't want to be selfish, I understand. I know where I stand. I know where I should be, but I don't know how I should feel.
Should I just stay the same, as you want me to be, or should I just ignore the fact that I need you in my life, I need to talk to you, to hold your hands, to listen to what you'll say, to just see your eyes, or to tease you a bit and see you laugh, annoying me back. To tell you, that I need you, I want you.
It made me wonderful, when I knew about how you've felt. But I still don't know how should I feel, maybe time will decide.
I admit the way I act, has and have actually, hurt people, I've broken hearts, plenty of hearts, in many ways it's not that I'm playing with it, it's just the way I express my love and my care for it, that it sometimes, misunderstood me, misjudged me, and spend all their space for me, until it went blooming for me, but mine, was still pale. Was still empty, was still, plain white.
It was always me, always about the way that I react for it, the way that i treat it, that would somehow made it went overfilling with extra whipped cream and plenty of cherries on top of it
But, has anyone, has ever made me feel that way? to do something that'd make my heart bloom all year round or triple extra whipped cream and strawberries and even more and more and plenty more to offer just to satisfy me?
And to have nothing more in their mind, except to just love me, No wedding rings, or kids together, or even a house by the beach, just to love me, and to know that I love them back. because by then, I definitely will.
When I was younger I saw my daddy cry And curse at the wind He broke his own heart And I watched As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that She would never let herself forget And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love If it does not exist
But darling, You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere Deep in my soul That love never lasts And we've got to find other ways To make it alone Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this Keeping a comfortable, distance And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality But I can't Let go of what's in front of me here I know you're leaving In the morning, when you wake up Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh
You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception You, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing Oh, And I'm on my way to believing
You know how I feel? I'm not sure, but somehow, I feel like I should tell you, that I can't sleep at night without having you in my mind, and the slightest most smallest hope of just having your smell, your perfume, can actually calm me down. Because it's from you, that everything is just, so wonderful.
I already miss you so deeply, even when you just left me, for just half and hour ago that you went away, went back to where you're needed. It's okay, I'll wait for my turn.
I want your perfume. I want your smell, so that I could be apart of you, apart of the person, that I miss all the time, It's gonna kill me if I don't see you in front of me, For a certain period, but at least when I have your smell, it'll restain myself from suicide.
I'll miss you. Don't worry, I won't forget you, How can I forget you?? my breathing mechanism? My most important part of the body? My most valuable treasure God has bestowed upon me, My life?
It'll only happen if only I went cuckoo, or I accidentally lost my mind, Which I certainly know would never happen! other than that, never!
Sometimes I wonder if some people would just feel guilty (or not) , when they only try to contact me, when they would only have problems - big problems. Oh yeah, what about all those times when you've sworn to be there for each other. I bet you don't remember that anymore. Whatever ! I don't care, really. It's just annoying when I know that you're doing that. And you don't even realize it, or try to do something about it?
Well I'm not saying I'm perfect, but at least I tried. Did you try? NOPE.
When you came by, my heart went accelerating, it was, relieved. I was relieved, when I see the sight of you, especially when I hold your hands, or put it close to your chest, and listen to what you'd say, to just stay in there. It calms me, I'm relieved, I don't have anything else in my mind, except for the smell of Dunhill, and the warmth of your hands.
I love you with all my heart, and it makes me even more happier - the happiest to know how you felt for me, how my departure away from you can make your tears drooling, and how just my smile, is calming for you.
How can I trust someone so much? With all my heart that is? Because i know, that it's not me that's loving you, it was never mine in the first place, and thank you for all the things you've done for me, I will love you, till eternity, and when we would meet again, after we die, I would always miss you, as someone that actually, made me feel the very best of me, the very best of anything, the very best that I can be. And more.
Thank you for your appreciation, I just hope that God would actually give you, the the calmness that you lack, always. Not just when you see me, because you deserve it. You deserve more than everything, more than I could ever thought of giving you.
I love you - and I love you. The love I felt for you, isn't the same when I feel for someone, it's eternal, I know it is, because I can never see the worse in you, not even a small tiny grain of salt. You're just my everything - that's all.
Ola. These past few days has been filled with me cleaning up my stuff, folding up my clothes into a huge bag that I'm gonna take with me to college, and messing up my room, with things that I'm gona pass out to my sis (since I wont be needing them anymore) Well anyhuus, I totally felt the urge to cry when I think about leaving for college. What a sissy, oh god, what's wrong now. I have no idea what's wrong, the idea is just sad. Still no clue why.
Still has a week to go till I actually leave for college. Oh What the hell. Today me and ibu talked about how close our family relationship is. It seems what my father told her before he died, left a mark in her heart, somewhere. He said, something like "thanks for taking good care of the children, you've done a great job" Wow I bet she was proud, I would have too. Looking at us now, for sure I would be really proud. We're just perfect of each other, and we don't need of anything else in this world. It doesn't matter if there's gonna be the apocalypse, it's gonna be fine, as long as we have the four of us, there's nothing that can scare us, except losing one of us, that scares the life out of us, or me I guess.
I don't know, for me, I don't care if I don't have anything else in this world, even a lover by my side, as long as I have these people in my life, there's nothing more I want, I'm happy as I am, and furthermore, a lover doesn't always make you happy all the time.
I wonder how heaven works, are we goin to see each other, even when we're in heaven? or hell, I'm not quite sure. Well for what it may seems, I still have a long way to go, to think about how heaven works, or never, but who cares, for now, I should just chill and live how it's suppose to be. Just go with the flow.
Sometimes, I worry about dumb things, I'm being mean to myself, why don't I believe in him much, there's always this rebellious thoughts in mind, even stupid things, now when I thnk about it again, why should I worry how my life would work like, as long as I know for what I'm doing it, and how I'm doing it, I'll leave the rest to Him, He is the all creator :)
P.s just chill, and go with the flow. It will all be fine.
I have cramps. Shit. I'm goin to college in less than two weeks. Damn. My room is messy and I don't know where to start. Shit. It's warm that my pain is getting worse. Damn. I'm not even ready for college, and I'm goin in like 2 weeks?! WTF.
Yesterday, I got the acceptance letter from Nilai UC. I was glad. I could finally go and study now, after for some time, I've been doing nothing at home. Last night, when I thought about it again, it will be only two weeks, that I'll be staying in my room, in this house, in this town before I would go start a new chapter, before I would start my studying. Then it struck me outta nowhere. The feelings became heavy. I was...... sad? Why would I be sad? It's not like I'm going to the States, again (I wish). but somehow, the feeling was rather discomforting. I'm spoiled, by my mother, my sister, and my brother. I have someone to take care of my food, my laundry, and my untidy things. And now I'm leaving them, for what I don't know. And I'm leaving him. We won't be seeing each other as much anymore. I don't know, I should be happy, and I should be ready. But somehow, I'm NOT. I don't want to leave home, I want to stay here, and take care of things, for all these months, I've had the control of this house, I can't imagine myself not being here, not doing things with my brother or sis, not being able to kiss my mom goodnight, every night, not being able to eat whatever food that comes in mind, just by asking, and I got it. There's so many other things that's more important. It's overwhelming.
Now, I don't want to leave. But I have to. And I will. Because it's my responsibility. Till when will I worry about them? Forever I guess, but I have to live my own life too. And I hope somehow they would understand how important it is to live a good life, to listen to whatever my mom tells them to, to do their homework, or to just think about life.
I think I'll come home, like twice a month. Or at least once a month (whoa can't imagine tht). I'll be starting to pack my things, and well, clean my room, set out a 'meeting time' with fellow board members, farewell dinners, or movies, and well maybe some time to cook together perhaps. Eat as much as I can, while I'm here. And probably get some new clothes, LOL.
Whatever it is, I love you guys so much that I've no regret staying home for the last 10months! And I wish I can stay longer. There's no place like home!
Today, abang forwarded something very valuable to me, it helped me alot. I love it. It's my most favourite motto, now it is.
Firman Allah kepada Muhammad, "Apakah yang membimbangkan kamu lagi sedangkan Aku telah berjanji bahawa Aku akan pelihara segala urusan dunia dan akiratmu jika kamu berserah diri dan mendampingkan diri kepada Ku. Sesungguhnya, tiadalah Aku menyalahi janji Ku padamu."
Today I woke up to the feeling of in need of shopping for some lingeries. I mean I know there's like tons of it sold out there, but nothing beats the feel of VS's lingerie. The soft and velvety feeling of the fabric, the shape, the sultriness, the comfort, it's just perfect! I even miss going in VS's just to smell the latest perfume, or check out the latest make up.
Oh my, the world just became weirder and weirder, and more stupid than I am surprisingly, surprised by what I actually find, through out it. Some things are just pointless, and I wonder why some people would still do it.
Lately, I feel calm. Eventhough my room is messy, eventhough I'm not in college yet. Eventhough I'm just taking time, waiting for the day to pass by, and watching the clock every now and then. It's boring, and devastating. For me, no. It's actually, calming. I can think about thousands of things when I only look at the falling leaves from the big bonzai tree in the front lawn.
I'm so blessed. Eventhough some people annoys the back bone out of me, I laughed. I felt sorry for that person. I felt the shame. I'm just sorry for you asshole. You're such a bitch, and I wonder why on earth didn't you die when you were a baby, whereas you should. Since you're only a nuisance for other poeple's life.
Some parents are such dumb asses. Why is it that they are so stupid, that even when they would have problems with each other, they would gladly involve the child, in it? Isn't that stupid? No it's far more worse than stupid, it's called 'somethingelse'.
I'm sorry for you people in this world. I dont think you are people, I think you're just a PIG. A big, fat, ugly, stupid, hideous, lazy, and dumb PIG.
*chuckles* It's not my fault. You started it, so pay the consenquences lah. You don't know who you're dealing with. If you're smart, stay away from me, I can be really nice, and otherwise. as far as possible, you're such a nuisance to this family - to me. I don't know you, and I don't want to know you. You're nobody, you're so outta my league, excuse me, mind my language, but you're so low of a human status that you should only and go down crawl when you walk pass me.
Oh my, did I cross the line? You should thank God I don't live close to you, or I would go and slap your teeth out of your ugly face - wait, my hands are far to perfect and delicate to touch the face of yours. I might get rabies. You're so disdainful to even be spat at. You should be urinated at.
This is all meant for you baby. I hope you'll love it. Totally a 100% from the bottom of my heart-not all though, so Baby please baby, just go to hell.
Today will be the day, the day I will start to change. I'm so excited. I'm thrilled. Actually it feels more like a nervous feeling. I don't know I'm just so excited.
I've made up my mind. I want to do it. I think I should do it. There's no harm in doing it. It's gonna make a big impact on my everyday life. But it's okay, cause I can get use to it. I should. I don't know wether I should wait, or just still take some time to think about it, deeply, throughly, but the thing is, I don't know, I don't think there'll be any regrets in the future. I hope not! but I'm pretty sure, I won't.
But I surely hope there'll be more reason for me to do this, More things to make me sure, that I should do this.
Your smell still lingers in the air. It reminds me, of you the most of course. But the best thing is that it reminds me of us. and it helps me to know myself better. I miss you.
Just hope that the scent doesn't go away untill you're here again.
Last night, I had a dream. A dream that I think I should write about. I woke up this morning, with a sad and heavy feeling in my heart, it was devastating. I felt the urge to cry, but couldnt. I wonder why? Maybe I think too much lately, or maybe I just felt the guilt in my chest, burdening up and swallowing me, from inside out. It hurt so badly, and I can still feel it. I've had this kind of feeling a year ago, when I was in the States, and dreamnt something, Something, frightening, and sad in way, so sad, even death is nothing. I woke up that time, with tears running out from my eyes, and the feeling, still there in my heart. So painful, even the feel of a knife stabbed in through your heart is nothing! It felt like, millions of pieces of broken glasses are slowly pierced in and out of the heart. Pouring down from the heart, is the hearts contents, blood, etc.. erh yeah yeah, gross.
I can still remember the dream, so clear, if my eyes were projectors, it can show every single detail out of it. Even the smallest drop of blood that were pouring from the sky, and the white space of nothing, it was scary.
Last night, was a dream of, three lil spiders, that came crawling on me, one was white, the others were black and green, the best thing was, the white one, bit me. bleeded me, and scarred me. It was painful, and it hurt so bad, I can imagine in my mind still.
I don't know why it's so important, about three lil spiders, but what meant the most for me, was the feeling I had when I woke up, it was hurtful, it was sad, and it was heavy.
I've never felt like this before. Its like falling in love, but I don't think it's exactly, Love? I don't know. I feel happy, not the same kind as when the usual rate of happiness, but not the most happy either, that you jump on and off the floor, Just, normally happy. I feel, alive, in like I can breathe, and think, and do other stuff, even when I miss you, even when you're not around me. I feel content. To the state that I don't care anymore about anything or whatever things even when bad things that'll come, cause I know, that you'll always be there, to hold my hand when I'm scared, Or just to see the visible veins running through under my skin. To tell me that you'll kick their asses, or how dumb some mortals can be. I feel secure, to know that whatever happens in the future, you'll be there, smiling, waving your hand at me, or just annoy me to the state that I won't be bother to be angry anymore. You always know what to do, or what to say. I adore you, I cherish you, I salute you to the point that, I trust you with my life. Just take it. Take it, and do whatever you want.
My hopes and dreams for us? Is to always be like this.
I want to love you, to the extend that even by death can't do us part. That's what kind of love that I want. Not those when it changes the temperature, or seasons when it feels like. Or the kinds that just based on literation or complexion, or even based on caste in socialization.
I wonder what kind of feeling this is, I don't think it's really love, so tell me, how should I really feel for you?
Today, I made a really important discovery that I never thought I would have it, in my life! I'm allergic to antibiotics! I'm not sure wether I am positively allergic to antibiotics or not, but, the thing that happened today when I had one, was a total weird one. I was dizzy and couldn't catch my breath, for some reason, and went totally coockoo. I was drunk. That was weird! Then I drank alot of water, and then suddenly we have guests coming into the living room, and I was in my Pj's and I totally got up and went for a change of clothes! Fhew that was close. So they were boy students from Germany(again) and Hongkong(which is not chinese but muslim nigerian name Mubarak).
So I was drunk, and my head was spinning, but that's not obstacle when it comes to talking to them. But whatever they said to me, will reach my head, in longer times, since it became slow to process things. They were great students. I already liked them! And I am actually looking forward to see them again! They want to make me like Starwars(like that's gonna happen).
Well anyway, yesterday, was the first time that I actually make Nasi goreng-with the help of fellow assistants(mom and sister). Which turned out to be very spicy-but good, since my mother went throwing the chillies into the frying pan, and well I'm not gonna be a disobedient child. :)
Anyway, I am goin to sleep now. Better get some beauty sleep. My face's getting older by the time. O M G. It really is suck to get worn out by time.
Yesterday, we have an addition to our family member, my mom decided to host a Japanese student from Hokkaido! Her name is Shiho, and she's super cute! Well she just arrived at my place yesterday, and well she was here since January, we're her 2nd family, sort of.
Ehhm. It seems to me that for the time being,I should continue with my studies here, then after a year, or the most is two years, I should go out of the country. And experience something else out there. I think that would be great, go to a country, learn their language, and expertise in it, then move to another country. Wow, that'd be great! Who knows, I might end up working with AFS! LOL
I'm kinda saving up to travel next year. Where? Well it's a secret. For now it is!
Well Life has been fullfilling for me. I can't wait to meet new people, it's just so exciting.
I miss my bestards. I miss Janina. The other day when I sent her off at the bus terminal I nearly cried, I don't know, it's just hard saying goodbye to my bestards! I mean we can hardly see each other, but when we meet up, it's like having the whole world to ourselves, we would talk endlessly, about everything, even shitstuff! I mean, we're just family. One big huggable-singloving-crazy-dramaqueens-maniacs-verry-very-happy family. Yeah that's what we are. Thinking about them, makes my heart bloom. I'm happy at the thought of these people.
Teenagers, early teenagers that take drugs, I mean kids as early as 12 year olds, are taking drugs?! What are the parents doing? And what are the teachers, teaching in school?! This is all community's fault. For being ignorant, and being selfish, only care to think about themselves. And only wants to say about who's fault, instead of 'lets fix this'.
Don't go and make babies if one day you would just abandon them and let them be, growing up to destroy themselves.
Erkh, I'm so annoyed!! I'm just so damn annoyed and mad about this!! This is wrong.
We are civilised people. We live in the Twenty-First century! For god-sake what's wrong with you people?
It just felt like the whole world is mine! Especially when it rained this evening, everything just went perfect!
I was hungry of course, cause I didn't ate for some days ...
It was great, being sick, and being well again. At least, I can sleep and relax, and get my energy back when I got better. It felt amazing. I feel amazing. It felt like there's nothing I can't do in life. Not anything at all. Wow, where did I get all that stuff? *giggless*
Everything on malaysian channel is so boring. I want to be sick again.
I hate the real world. I dont want to go out if this house. I just want to just stay naive and not know about how corrupted the world is or how money can be so powerful that the sound of an explosion of a bomb somewhere in Afghanistan is just mere nothing.
Oh Lord, I know the world is now coming close to its end, I can understand how you would feel when you see all this stupid things happening to your creations and how stupid your most precious treasures can be. How something so priceless can be worthless, in the end.
Its just so sad, watching this, eventhough I may not be alone. All left for us is what we want to do with our life. And how do we want it to end like. It all depends on us. Our life, our journey. But truthfully, what do we really want in life? What does it lead to? Why are we born into this world? Why do we need to be successful, famous, well-known, rich, powerful, etc.. etc.. ? Why do we need that? Do we really need that? Is life like a burning flame on a candle, waiting to be blown away or blew out by itself. It is really that meaningless? There are so many question I want to ask. But what's the point? There's nothing to it for me. I'm just a nobody from nowhere.
A nobody that thinks that, its time for her, to start making her life, not as worthless as how she sees the world. The reason why everything is so pathetic is for you to make yourself wonderful, feel good about it, and know the reason why you're living your life now. Appreciate it, because that's what the Mastermind wants us to do. He wan't us to appreciate everything we have. Cause He doesnt want us to feel left out or regret something in the end.
And some people call God unfair? The one being unfair is you, because you judged him, with ignorance, and arrogance, and He still gives you life, and love. If I was God, for sure you'd be asking for mercy and forgiveness in hell by now. *grrrrrr
It's great that I feel better again. I can talk and talk and talk and smile knowing that how my life seems so blissful and blessful. Thank you, my Love.
Yesterday, was, a, TERRIBLE day. Since I accidentally slipped down the stairs! Luckily I fell on my bum and now it hurts like Shit. My body's sore, and my neck hurts, luckily I didn't roll over the stairs like the ones in the Hindi movies! Ohmygod, I was lucky enough to grab the stair's handle(or how you call them?) Hurh! Can't wait for tomorrow, my most favourite person in the whole wide world is coming to give me a massage! Yay!
Anyway, today I woke up early and did nothing for the rest of the day except for being the chauffeur for our lil madam and sir. Yes it's not bad chauffering for the day, maybe I should make it my profession? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I think I already know where I'm heading for college, and I am goin to say this, but I don't feel as excited about it? Maybe not yet, or maybe I just don't get excited about it. LOL, whatever it is I'm sure it'll be okay.
Anyway, I read something CUTE today. and I never found a comic that's soooooo cute!!!!!!! It's all about a kitty's life. It's just so cute! AHHHH.. *screaming while running around in circles and rolling on the ground back and forth*
Ah, I need to shower now, it's been so HOT these days! It's terrifying! I can feel the heat all around me! O M G. My sister is talking about a new movie she's watching, and I kept telling her to stop, cause I WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE AFTER THIS! damm. I'm sore, I need to sleep, I want to take my vitamins now.
I slept early last night. Woke up a couple of times, well that was annoying.
Today wasn't one of those days that I would want to remember, I was angry, moody all day. And when it was night time, I was better. LOL. I know, it's always like that. Always.
I read, drew things up. Think my about the future. Took a peep at my savings. And facebook all day.
I don't know. I really need to go for college. I need to start studying now. I want to earn more money. I want to travel. There's alot of things that I want to do, and I can't even think of them now, since it's so many!
I am trying to learn Japanese now. It's kinda fun.
I want to be able to speak many2 languages! So that when I travel to their countries, I can speak their language! :)
I don't know, my ambition is so high, I don't know if I can take so much work in the end? *pout*
Whatthehell? Since when do you think like this? Well I think I sure can! *cringe*
I hate it when 'kids' in terms of not mature enough think about things around them and ways to handle their own life, react so clever upon the corruption or wtv kind of politics or the economics of one country, etc.. etc..
Come on lah, you can't even figure out things for yourself, so why do you want to act like you know these kind of things? These are not a 'child's play toy'. These are to be handled by the ones responsible so don't act responsible when you're not. We should be grateful enough our that we're able to walk out to do things peacefully without hesitating about bullets or boms that could fly over our heads anytime. We should be grateful that we can still eat whatever food we want, just by driving in our car to the destination and devour ourself with it.
Kids, my advice is to mind your own business. If you have anything to say about it, make sure that it's worth wile saying it, because for me, anything that involves politics, is just a big waste of your time. Unless you are benefitting something from it. Ops.
I'm not taking sides, I'm not saying this is right or that person is wrong, but logically, if you are a muslim yang sangat2 alim lah kan, why do you want to make others look bad in order to make yourself look good? Why do you despise your own people? Why do you want to buruk-burukkan someone just for the sake of making your party look better? So you pakai serban atas kepala you're good enough candidate lah? I don't think so.
Be happy for others instead of being jealous. Be accepting of your own failures, be kind to yourself. Treat your family well, live your life to the fullest, there's alot of stuff you can do. Search for the right thing, so that you won't be doing shameful and wasteless things. Can you still manage to do all this while doing other wasteless stuff? I don't think so.
Senang cerita, cermin lah diri. You don't have to own a mirror just to look at yourself.
I was in KL since last Thursday, came back on Sunday. Watched 'Boys over Flowers'. For two days, it has 5 cds and well I skipped alot, and don't think that I miss anything about the story, well I just hate suspense and waiting! and I already read the manga version of it. Well anyway, can get enough of the cute characters in it (escpecially my new and hot superstar-model-idol, Goo Joon Pyo-I mean Lee Min Ho) I just love the character, oh my god I wish ... - I can't wish too hard or I might get my heart broken! Haha. So I think my two days was wasted.
Since I came back from KL, the weather here in just ridiculously and unbearably warm! And I can't stand it.
I didn't ate the whole day yesterday, I wasn't planning on goin for hunger strike for the day but I was so obsessed with the movie that I just got lost in time and well forgot to eat, cool eyh. And I wasn't hungry for food, at all. Just had water all day long. I think I'm gonna lose weight this week, it's okay, I still have the rest of my life to make up for it! LOL
The thing that I learnt from the movie, it's something about, you should do something you want to do before you end up regretting it for the rest of your life for not doing it or being too late for it. And I think that it's quite important, but always forgotten by many people, because we just have too many things to do.
I think I want to hold on to that motto, so that I won't be regretting things when I get older. Life is just so full of everything that sometime you forgot about even the simplest and most basic things in life.
Today is the 'Cleaning Day of the week' for me. So I'm gonna be busy cleaning up my messy room again, although it's not as messy as before!
Well I think after that I will go get some ice-cream. Been hungry for it for days now. But I always forgot I do?! Weird. Haha.
My friends went back to their designated colleges now. And I will too soon. Can't wait for that. (The problem is just that I don't know which college yet! :D)
Now I'm goin to take my lovely shower, and listen to Japanese songs while getting ready to go pick up my sis from school later. Toodles.
Ps. I think I'm gaining a lil bit of weight, but that's great! :D
As usual, professional drivers don't need to wear seat belts since they are a professional. Well anyway, I was driving, and was at a stop at a traffic light when suddenly appeared a traffic police on his big motorbike and he stopped just close enough at my left rear window to see me clearly that I wasn't using the seat belt,well I'm not one of those professional drivers, I still have the 'P' sign on my license. I just hate it cause it's uncomfortable. But I was pretty fast enough to buckle up my seat belt until the police guy looked around and saw me, and smiled. I laughed so hard and waved at him. Ofcourse he gave me a weird look. Then I look around and I saw the other driver on the left lane beside me was also buckling up his seatbelt. Haha. Tau pun takut!
Maybe I should TRY and buckle up my seatbelt and try to ignore the uncomfortable feeling I would have. Insyaallahh.....
Semalam sembang berejam dengan Sue. Minah tu kalau dah cakap takleh berenti. Ariff pulak pi tidog rumah mama. Kesian aku kena tinggai dgn Sue sorang2. Sembang smp pukui 3 kot semalam, itupun jenuh aku kena bangun pi tutup lampu, tu pun dia dok sambung menyembang lagi. Hadoi.Today bangun, dah tghhari buta. Taktau nak buat apa. Sedag2 time dok mandi, dah pukui 5pm. Gilalahh! Cam cepat gila kot?!
I can't believe this! Yeah rite.
Today cam agak luar biasa. Siang moody, malam happy. Gila dah kot aku nih?
Apapun, aku dok still pening pasai nak apply college. Pening pening pening.
Last2, tgok cerita hindustan jugak. haha. Macam biasa ja lah cerita hindustan, plot dia serupa ja walaupun mai pi lah kot mana bnyk pon gengster or org jahat dlm cerita tu. Kesian ngoh. Cam dah takdak idea lain dah. Tapi, cerita baru ShahRukhKhan berlakon, 'My name is Khan' memang cambest, althou tak keluag lagi, cam taksabag ja nak tunggu hero pujaan tuh. Mesti best punya lahh.
Baru tersedag, dah lama aku tak 'spray' bilik. Kes nyamuk terbang freestyle depan muka aku, celaka sungguh. Geram aku. Kadang2 bila dah siang, lupa nak spray. Bila dah mai time nak tidog baru lah nak teringat, in the end, Malas jugak. Nampak gaya besok kena berperang dengan 'vampire2' kecik yang dok hisap darah aku malam2. Sampai gemuk kot depa! Besag cam nyamuk paperboard kat Aneka tu~ wah!
Malam nih shift Ariff pulak tidog dengan aku. Habislah dia besok bangun penuh ngn lovebite vampire2 kecik nih. :)
It actually rained this morning, and the weather was very nice, it was cloudy and cool and breezy. Till the sun suddenly decided to come out to shine brightly and warmly this afternoon! And well guessed, the day just became hot and sweaty as the usual.
Oh, I went out with friends. We did what we do best, fooling around in town. Like the usual, as we would complain about how warm the day is, or how bright and shining the sun is, or how I would end up not doing anything for 7 months in Jitra.
Yeah yeah I gotcha. I know, it's unbelievable, and unbearable. But you would just get use to it. You know?
I am still on search for colleges, yes again. I found some that interests me. And well now I would just apply to many colleges at once, and when some college accepts me, I would decide. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. :)
Well I'm actually in the middle of baking a cake. Gotta go see what's baking! Toodles.
Now I am actually still on my search for colleges! OWH! Seriously some private colleges offer courses with unreasonable prices! Now where am I gonna go?! I don't have time, the latest is in March! And I'm not even prepared to go for study! AHHHHHHH
Today is just so full of different emotions! I just can't take it, it's so overwhelming. I feel like laughing and at the same time, crying too? Sad? Happy? I don't know how to differentiate. Haha. Now I'm laughing. And I'm sad too. Damn. I just need my sleep now. Last night was terrible. Terbangun berkali-kali. Just for no reason. I was just so tired, that I kept waking up. shitlah. Dahlah letih. Hari ini pulak macam2 jadi. haish. haish. haishhhh.
Unfortunately, I didn't get myself into Nottingham. I'm sad. I was looking forward to it, very much. I don't know. I'm dissapointed. I think I should go check for other colleges then. What to do, maybe it's fate, well, I did my best. So let's go search for other colleges then! Goodluck!
ps. Im listening to 'Arigato-Home Made Kazoku'. Makes me feel better, listening to it.
Not doing so well in managing my temper it seems. I was and still am, feeling crappy. Feels fake everytime I try to smile, in order to make myself feel better. Just doesn't work today. Oh God? The weather seem hotter than usual, I feel blah, I'm sweaty, I'm warm. I can't think, I breathe heavily. My face feels tight and my skin is dry. Worse, I can't calm down. I don't even know what's wrong. Now, I just feel irritated cause of my useless complaints. Wtf?
Today something bad happened to me, anyway, it's regarding my money. Thinking about it, made me sad, because I just lost an amount of money! I mean it's not much, but it's alot too, but still, it's my savings money..............
As my heart is crushed like a million pieces of abstract crushed mirror, something came up to me. It reminded me of when once upon a time, my father gave me our monthly salary money, and at that time I was in middle school I guess, so anyway, it was alot of money, so I was thrilled! I was keeping it safe in my purse, and went out with some friends. And when i came home, I lost the purse, with the money in it! I was so crushed, I was scared to death! In my mind, was my little imagination of my dad being the judge and sentenced me, the accused to death. I was pale. I shrunk when I heard my mom said his name that night. So I told my mom, hoping that she would get angry, but she didn't. Which made me feel more of the guilt I felt before. So she asked me to tell my father the truth. Tell him what happen. I don't want too! I'm scared!
The next day, I was too scared that I can feel his aura as his coming to visit us. Oh my god, what am I to do.?! So there he was, sitting on the floor at the front door, taking off his shoes. Then he said, so, what do you want to tell me?! As if he knows!! I was like, erhh. Bapak, I'm sorry, I lost the money you gave me, please don't be mad. And so I was dissapointed by my dreams and imaginations. My father didn't even grin at me, he was cool( that was surprising, since he's very ferocious ) and said, okay, be careful next time. I trust you okay? and handed over a cheque for us.
Now, thinking of that time, I don't remember how I felt. But I think I was super relieved. Ofcourse! I mean maybe my memory only wanted to remind me of that, reminded me of the sacrifice, Forgive, Let go, and solving the problem. Instead of making it a big issue.
Family, maybe it's sacrificing yourself for the sake of others. You work hard, to earn something to support your family, to make it better. Make it happier. You give everything you have, and share things you love the most. Sometimes, you would do things you don't even want to when it comes to them.
So much sacrifice, so much giving, so much responsibility. So much? How can you cope with that? so how can you live your dreams then? Do you sacrifice them too? Why? Why can't you just live how you want it to be? Why is it that you have to be responsible for everything? Why is it that you are the one who always do things? Why isn't this about me? Why? Why? Why? If I were to write down all the question, it'll take me almost my lifetime. I don't have that much of a time!
But why you ask me?
Because we're family, and families stay together, be there for each other, and accept each other no matter how annoying or how stupid or how selfish you can be. No matter what happens, you KNOW that they would always be there for you. Just waiting to be called.
