Aug 8, 2010

My hair's falling again, but this time, I'm too tired to even get bothered.

Lately, I'm just too tired of stuff. Don't know why.

I need to study, and do some laundry. Then clean up my room.

Oh man. Looks like I gotta get started. Toodles.

You're stupid, Stupid !

Some how just now, I got a calling. About my life. About how I should be.

I've been wasting my time here. I've been enjoying myself too much.

I know I'm doing it, but somehow, I'm always drifted away.

I'll always forget about it. Even when ibu would constantly call me, reminding me bout my failures, from my past. I know I am better, and I know I should be better. But I just cant do it.

Too many distractions, I'm so easily distracted.

Hearing what Afiq said on the phone, I felt like I was struck by lightning or something, I mean. Come on, you got this, a week before you exams, doesn't that mean God still cares about you? Reminding you, that you're drifted away, from the way you should be? Come on girl don't tell me you're saying this is a fcking coincidence, it's fcking not!

Motherfather?! I'm pissed now. I need to wake up!

Wake up Motherchoot, wake up!!! Stupid asshole.

You've been wasting your time, and you still have time to make up for it.

Stop it! Stop dreaming!

You can start dreaming again when finals are over!!

I feel like slapping you, bitch.

Oh man ?

Hey, it's now the study week, which means, next week is the last week,
for us college buddies to be together. Awh?
How I hate time so much, it just passes right before you know it!
Motherchoooooot.
Somehow, the feeling that I have now, it's like how I felt when school was going to be over,
when I know I'm gonna leave my friends, and when I know, it's gonna end, soon.
Oh man, I hate this feeling.
I don't want to leave here yet,
well I still have 2 semesters,
wtf am I talking about kan?
But still, this feeling, it's just.
Not good.

Or is it the feeling before raya? LOL
I guess I just took it the wrong way then. Haha.
I don't know,
this raya's gonna be different.
And it's gonna be, waaaaay different.
but it's okay.
doesn't matter.
Life goes on, and on, and on.
So why bother.

Things had happened alot this year.
And I just love the fact that I don't get tired of all this.
but this morning when I woke up,
I feel like I've gotten older abit,
I feel that I should grow up.
oh maaaan, this sucks.
I don't wanna grow up,
I don't ever wanna grow up.

Hello Hello ?

Hey,

I wonder what happened to the German boy that would always comment on my posts,

I don't have his comments on my facebook wall, or even in my inbox anymore.

I miss that boy, where the hell did he dissappear?

Oh Please be back soon, I miss you.

Me, me, Me !

Somehow, sometime this week, or maybe it was a couple of days ago.

I realise that I don't need to lie to myself, anymore.
I realise that I am the type that like to comfort others, but not myself.
I've been lying to myself, all this time.
I need to wake up.
I need to straighten things up.
I need to be bold, and more sure of myself.
I need to stop talking shit about others,
and stop thinking about what others may think, or say.
I have my own life.
They're nothing but jealous.
I need to start making me feel good.
I need to be, me.

How is me? I don't even know.
Eventually we will all learn about her when time comes. Or when time passes by.
Weeeeeeeee~

Lets play a game of guessings

Guess what day is today

Guess what I did last night

Guess who got drunk last night

Guess who gave me what yesterday

Guess what colour is my new watch

Guess
what I drank last night

What I ate

whom I kissed

whom I laughed at

whom I was pissed at

Where I slept

What time I slept

Where I was at 5 am

and

what time I woke up today

Guess what I am wearing now,

thinking of,

feel

and last

Guess what I got today.

a birthday card.

From who?

Guess guess guess !

What I dreamt last night

Last night I dreamt of being somewhere quite familiar, a shopping mall. Where things in the dream were more chilled out, the feeling of when I was in the US, more relaxed, less problems, less reality dramas, just full of shits, and happy happy stuff. I was walking, then in the dream, guess who's in it. yeah I was quite shocked too. It was Kenta. Yeah my lil Kengo. In the dream, we were holding hands, and we were walking while talking, then I saw some roadshow about prom dresses, and both of us planned out to get into one, and get ourselves pictures of it. Both of us laughed. Both of us missed each other so much, in the dream. In reality, I miss him so much. Time just passes by fast, I didn't even realise. Then in the dream, he was holding my hand, taking me down an elevator, to victoria secret, then I said, oh yeah Kenta, ofcourse you would know where VS is?! haha. It was funny, we both laughed. Then I told him how much I missed going into VS and just do nothing but to smell parfums, or just to look at new stuffs that's just in. It's just fun that way. And knowing Kenta, he would make faces when I would show him 'rare' or weird stuffs in it. And sometimes, he would just say, lets go to Abercombie, again. Haha oh I miss those times. I wish I could do it again, with the same person, at the same mall, and maybe have starbucks java chip again, or even passion tea. Or even Panda Express.
With my lil Kengo. I miss my lil Kengo.

Geram !

AGHHH I miss my lil brother!
And my lil sister.
And ibu.
my room, my bed, my awesome clothes!
Arghhhh!
I wanna bite someone!

Called home, everybody's sick.
Oh shit.
Just hope they'll get better soon.
:(

Julio

It's July, already.
I'm studying - trying at least.
I couldn't get this thing into my head. I mean I want to study, but it just doesn't wanna go in.
WTF

Well worse can happen.
I'm sleepy now, kinda.
Wonder why? Slept for almost 9 hours but it's just not enough.
I need to study, mid-terms are coming up this Tuesday.

Owh, btw, I'm so freaking out, cause my birthday's coming - soon!
WTF, why am I freaking out?
Cause I think my friends are planning out something, that'll surely be bad. OMG.
I just hope there's no egg and flour involve though, ergh the thought just made me more and more nervous.

Ergh I'm turning 19 soon. So soon right?
Wait, I feel like I'm just 17, why is it my age's 19? I don't want to be 19, I want to be 17. :(

Somehow, lately I think of father alot. I miss him. Wonder why.
Maybe I just do. The thought made me feel as if I'm living in this fantasy world, denying all the shit and crap that's going on with my life, avoiding reality, and running away from it.
Yeah, that's how I feel now. I just can't get out of myself. My crappy self.

I feel bad, I feel stupid.
I'm feeling sorry for ibu. I'm sorry for her, for having me.
I need to change. I have to change. It's time laaah.
I love you, and I miss you.
Guess this world wont last that long eyh, but surely, my love will.

Well,
Hello July.

Today - uno Jueves en Junio

It's been awhile !

Truthfully, for these past few weeks, I feel like shit.
I was not myself, I don't remember where I put it, or lose it.
I'm gona find you somehow, and when I do....

Somehow, these past few days, I feel lighter.
I know what I want to do, and well it's just that I just have to reconfirm on it.
That's all.
I have to be sure of what I feel, what I think.

The thing is, I was just lost.
Lost in my mind, my head.
My imagination.
My thoughts.

I should just stop doing that,
cause if not, when can I start to concentrate in class?
I mean lately, I finally started to concentrate in class.
I've lost that, for years.
But now I'm redeeming it again.
I don't want to be a loser anymore.

I don't want to be useless, reckless, pointless.
I don't want to be nothing.

This is it.
I'm gona go home this week.
I want to start to change.
I always say this.
But now, it's done.

I'm not gonna say anything.
I just want to make it clear to myself, that I should just chill,
and get the best out of myself.
Do the best for me.
For My Own Benefits.

Why don't you just shut the ____ up and just DO IT !

What ?!

I just realise that I am ignorant.

I don't want to care.

I don't take things seriously.

I waste my time thinking alot of unreasonable and worthless stuff.

I hurt people, unintentionally. Thus hurting me more.

I don't even know what I want to do with myself.

I don't know if wether I should just do this, or that ?

What will I do, what should I think, what I want, I don't know ?

I don't know.

What do I know then ?

I've wasted so many years of my life, nothing gained from it, nothing earned from it.

nothing. I'm nothing. I can't do a thing, I feel worthless.

I should do something, my memory is decreasing, it's getting smaller, and smaller.

I need to change the memory card then, or the hard disk, whatever you call them.

Why can't I be more, sure of myself?

Why can't I be more firm on my decisions,

be more strict on what I choose, on what I want to do?

That's it, I don't want to talk anymore,

I have to stop talking shit and try to be more serious about this.

Open up your eyes, shut down unnessary stuff that'll make you lose your 'cool'.

Don't just look at things, see it.

Don't just hear things, listen.

Don't just say it, do it.

I don't want to be in bullshit anymore.

It's enough.

It's done.

I'm done with my shitty self, I'm so done with you !

Adios !

My Psycho self

Last night, something went terribly wrong with me, again.
As usual I got cranky and moody, and my heart would throbbed solemnly, destroying a fine rainy day, and a wonderful football match night.
What a piece of crap to have this shitfeelings.
Anyways it went uncontrollable and I really felt sick of it.

Then, in the work of God I felt like reading and I came into the next season of this manga that I was following.
Something about this episode that made me think hard, and made myself clear about certain things. Totally changed my perspective on myself, and made me think " Wow, I never thought life could be so simpler, deal with your problems, not making them deal you, just be yourself, shut down your feelings ( for awhile) , concentrate on one thing, and that is your passion, your life, your future, YOU. "

And after that, I felt better, I was cured by my sick self, and I went smiling around in my room, with my arms wide open. Just to exaggerate things more, I was rolling around on my single bed while singing Lady gaga's new song till I fell down and laughed about it and thought of rolling some more while sing of another song ( well that's like too much now!)

The point is, I was better. I feel better. And just by that, people around me, felt even better. I mean if everyone's happy, I don't think there's even some lil time to be sad about anything.

Yes I agree some people have their own problems, but come on, there's nothing in this world you can't do, and by your own choice, it's wether you want it or not. That's all. Still not satisfied?
Okay, you've no idea what I've been through my life, so what the fuck is wrong with you?!

I think, Life is not about being sad or disappointed, it's about what you have in your life that makes you wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, excited, and have a smile on your face when you're goin to bed at night. If you don't know what it is, search for it, with diligence, with your heart.

Honestly, I haven't found what I want in my life, or what I would love to do in or with my life, but it doesn't mean I have to be sad and crappy all the fcking time? Right? Why don't I just go with what so ever is happening, do the best, and well, maybe in time, I'll know what I want. I mean for sure, God wont let me be in err.

It's good that rather than I would be sad about a person that doesn't even mean anything to me,
I should instead be learning about myself, cause I can sometimes, amuse myself ! lol!