For you, Cik Din

How time had pass.
How I lied that I wouldn't let a single tear drop for you
How I thought at first that I would never be sad for you anymore,
or sad when you left,
I was arrogant, I was stubborn,
which you taught me that,
Both of us were, stupid. Childish.

I now imagine myself when I was younger,
when I was feeble, when I didn't know the world,
when I thought that all I have in this world, was only me,
I was furious, I was angry,
I despise you.

But then I grew older,
I fell down, I got up,
my heart was broken,
my chest was wide open,
my head filled with questions and thoughts,
my tears shed without limit.
Then only I understand you,
then only I forgave you,
then only, I realize,
I pitied you. I felt sorry for you.
but at the same time
I loved you, and I needed you.

You are what you are,
I was just growing up to be what I am,
I should just give in, instead of being hardheaded,
as much as you tried to win our hearts,
I stayed cold,
I was you.
I am you.

I regretted that now.
I didn't gain anything from that,
I cried by the scent of you now,
I miss you, somehow?
I wonder how?

I understand now,
I'm sorry,
I know you've already forgiven me,
but the guilt will always be there,
scarring me.

It's okay, this is my penalty,
for not being myself, for being an egomaniac,
for being stupid.

Thank you.
You've trained me well,
there's nothing I can't handle in my life now.
I'm so forever grateful, for everything you've done,
everything you've said,
everything you've given me.
I love you, I'm sorry.

I miss you, bapak.