I can't believe I am counting hours till I meet up with you again.
It's pathetic. I can't live with the fact that I can't live without seeing you.
I can't think, I can't even sit down calmly, I panicked.
Last night I dreamt, that I won't be seeing you today, and then in the dream, I counted the hours till you would actually be available for me. Like how I am doing now.
Oh man, I sound pathetic, It's bruising my damned ego.
Not always though, just sometimes, when I think too much.
The truth is, I love you,
But the thing is, I'm confused.
To me you're the most important thing to me now.
But you know what, before you, there was Him, and even when you're here, He constantly coming in and out of my mind. There was always, Him. And He's still here.
I love you so much - it hurts like hell.
But come to think of it, do you feel the same like I do?
Does it hurt, when you think of not having me there? or Leaving me?
Can you breathe, when you think of, not having to see me, even for a day?
Can you eat, can you sleep, when you know that I'm not around?
Does it feel overwhelming when you see me. You just don't know what to think.
Your mind will go blank. Your eyes are just me, your ears just want to listen to what I will say, as when I kiss you, your soul is as if it would come out through yours to mine.
Nothing else matters. Just me. Just you and me. That's all that matters. Our world. Our life.
It's love then. It is love. But you know what. I have a question.
How long that will last? till I die? even when I'm dead?
How bout if there would be a life after that, would it change?
How sure are you? How are you sure that it will last that long?
Some how just now, I got a calling. About my life. About how I should be.
I've been wasting my time here. I've been enjoying myself too much.
I know I'm doing it, but somehow, I'm always drifted away.
I'll always forget about it. Even when ibu would constantly call me, reminding me bout my failures, from my past. I know I am better, and I know I should be better. But I just cant do it.
Too many distractions, I'm so easily distracted.
Hearing what Afiq said on the phone, I felt like I was struck by lightning or something, I mean. Come on, you got this, a week before you exams, doesn't that mean God still cares about you? Reminding you, that you're drifted away, from the way you should be? Come on girl don't tell me you're saying this is a fcking coincidence, it's fcking not!
Motherfather?! I'm pissed now. I need to wake up!
Wake up Motherchoot, wake up!!! Stupid asshole.
You've been wasting your time, and you still have time to make up for it.
Stop it! Stop dreaming!
You can start dreaming again when finals are over!!
Hey, it's now the study week, which means, next week is the last week, for us college buddies to be together. Awh? How I hate time so much, it just passes right before you know it! Motherchoooooot. Somehow, the feeling that I have now, it's like how I felt when school was going to be over, when I know I'm gonna leave my friends, and when I know, it's gonna end, soon. Oh man, I hate this feeling. I don't want to leave here yet, well I still have 2 semesters, wtf am I talking about kan? But still, this feeling, it's just. Not good.
Or is it the feeling before raya? LOL I guess I just took it the wrong way then. Haha. I don't know, this raya's gonna be different. And it's gonna be, waaaaay different. but it's okay. doesn't matter. Life goes on, and on, and on. So why bother.
Things had happened alot this year. And I just love the fact that I don't get tired of all this. but this morning when I woke up, I feel like I've gotten older abit, I feel that I should grow up. oh maaaan, this sucks. I don't wanna grow up, I don't ever wanna grow up.
Somehow, sometime this week, or maybe it was a couple of days ago.
I realise that I don't need to lie to myself, anymore. I realise that I am the type that like to comfort others, but not myself. I've been lying to myself, all this time. I need to wake up. I need to straighten things up. I need to be bold, and more sure of myself. I need to stop talking shit about others, and stop thinking about what others may think, or say. I have my own life. They're nothing but jealous. I need to start making me feel good. I need to be, me.
How is me? I don't even know. Eventually we will all learn about her when time comes. Or when time passes by. Weeeeeeeee~
Last night I dreamt of being somewhere quite familiar, a shopping mall. Where things in the dream were more chilled out, the feeling of when I was in the US, more relaxed, less problems, less reality dramas, just full of shits, and happy happy stuff. I was walking, then in the dream, guess who's in it. yeah I was quite shocked too. It was Kenta. Yeah my lil Kengo. In the dream, we were holding hands, and we were walking while talking, then I saw some roadshow about prom dresses, and both of us planned out to get into one, and get ourselves pictures of it. Both of us laughed. Both of us missed each other so much, in the dream. In reality, I miss him so much. Time just passes by fast, I didn't even realise. Then in the dream, he was holding my hand, taking me down an elevator, to victoria secret, then I said, oh yeah Kenta, ofcourse you would know where VS is?! haha. It was funny, we both laughed. Then I told him how much I missed going into VS and just do nothing but to smell parfums, or just to look at new stuffs that's just in. It's just fun that way. And knowing Kenta, he would make faces when I would show him 'rare' or weird stuffs in it. And sometimes, he would just say, lets go to Abercombie, again. Haha oh I miss those times. I wish I could do it again, with the same person, at the same mall, and maybe have starbucks java chip again, or even passion tea. Or even Panda Express. With my lil Kengo. I miss my lil Kengo.
Home called. Just now. My lil brother was on the line, asking me what was I up to. So I said I was studying. Then he asked again, searching for confirmation. Sis, what are you doin, so I answered, I'm studying.
Then suddenly, he laughed, so bad. And said, You! Studying? Ibu, sis is studying!
It's July, already. I'm studying - trying at least. I couldn't get this thing into my head. I mean I want to study, but it just doesn't wanna go in. WTF
Well worse can happen. I'm sleepy now, kinda. Wonder why? Slept for almost 9 hours but it's just not enough. I need to study, mid-terms are coming up this Tuesday.
Owh, btw, I'm so freaking out, cause my birthday's coming - soon! WTF, why am I freaking out? Cause I think my friends are planning out something, that'll surely be bad. OMG. I just hope there's no egg and flour involve though, ergh the thought just made me more and more nervous.
Ergh I'm turning 19 soon. So soon right? Wait, I feel like I'm just 17, why is it my age's 19? I don't want to be 19, I want to be 17. :(
Somehow, lately I think of father alot. I miss him. Wonder why. Maybe I just do. The thought made me feel as if I'm living in this fantasy world, denying all the shit and crap that's going on with my life, avoiding reality, and running away from it. Yeah, that's how I feel now. I just can't get out of myself. My crappy self.
I feel bad, I feel stupid. I'm feeling sorry for ibu. I'm sorry for her, for having me. I need to change. I have to change. It's time laaah. I love you, and I miss you. Guess this world wont last that long eyh, but surely, my love will.
I am thinking of the night when we randomly chose to go to PD for a lepak-ing by the beach. It was a wonderful night. I never liked hanging out by the beach, I don't hate it, but it's just not my favourite. Maybe because the air is salty and sticky, and sand would just be everywhere, on me. Then it'll be a fuss to clean up all those things. But now,I am so looking forward to going to beaches, at night again. With two of my most favourite people. I just love them. In different ways, that is.
It was a cold night. The air was breezy and the moon was full and bright, it lighted up the beach. It was beautiful, it was calming, and it was, an amazing feeling. Maybe I should have a house by the beach someday? Who knows?? Maybe I could.
We walked, and we walked, and we searched for lil crabbies, and he killed some. Which made me come up with the 'God of Crabs' stories. Haha. It was weird. It was funny. At least he was with me.
Then came the part where we talked, and we sulked, and I got pissed, when he went in total silence, dodging my questions with something like "it's nothing" and "don't worry". I was hurt. I feel hurt. But it doesn't change, I understand. It's okay. I'll leave him alone then. I won't ask anymore, I don't want to make him annoyed. I don't want to do things he doesn't like. Things that would change everything.
I know how I feel, I'm just not sure of how he feels.
All the time, we want to solve things by ourselves, cause we know we're capable. Other times, we want others to handle it for us, maybe because we just want it to be that way. But sometimes, when there's something really bad that comes, And you've done everything you can to solve it, You thought about it, you talked about it, you even tried making it work out in some kind of way, but you just don't. What happens then? you'll just give up and stay that way? or you'll try something else? What if there's nothing else anymore, and you can't handle it, where do you go?
No where.
No where in this world, that is for me. There's always a solution to EVERYTHING. That's a fact. And that's what it is. If there's an unsolvable solution to a thing, then there's only the question of or about God. On how He works, Or How He does things. Because anything else besides what He does, is solvable.
He is God. So why can't you just ask for His help, when you know, no living creature in this world can help you. Is it because you feel sinned? Is it because you don't think that it's going to work? Why are you so impatient? So why is it that you always blame Him for things you can't have, or things you can't solve?
I think despite all the things we've done to ourselves, and everybody around us, it's just unfair, that God still gives us hope, shelter, love, and most importantly, our lives. And in return, we ask for more things, we want more stuff. We blame Him for things we've done. Isn't it sad?
Why is it hard for you to actually just lower your ego, just realise that you can get hurt, you'll die eventually. So why can't you just ask for help, cause you're no Superman.
There's no such thing as a 'Superman', dumbass. Stop living in denile. And start living in reality. cause in the end, no matter how sweet fantasies may be, you would just fall back and get hurt in reality. Cause you've been dreaming too much. That's why.
Bapak, I miss you. Just wish you were here. just now I was browsing through my contacts, and found your number. I miss you so much. Happy Father's Day. Al-Fatihah.
'Aren't they taking it fast?' 'If the feelings are mutual, then why not?' 'Yes, but then again, for how long will the 'feelings' stay mutual?'
Well that's a topic to talk about. I think, feelings are, playful. They demand things, they're posessive, they frequently change, and the saddest part is, they dissolve. Easily. You're not sure what is what. One day you like this person, the next week or month, poof! It's gone! Just like that! You're not certain that it's going to always be there. But still you see people in relationships, some mantained for years. Some, doesn't even have the chance to start. I mean, it's cool. I'm not opposing or agreeing to anything. It's not a problem at all. It's just a thought I would want to write about,
It's just a thought of that people just want to be in a relationship. Why? Are you seriously ready for it? Are you sure you're ready for the hell of a roller coaster ride? Since relationship, or as you may think, Love is not some kiddy rides you could just get on and laugh and laugh and laugh. It's not that LAME.
People don't think, they dream instead. What are they dreaming about? Sex 24/7 or when ever you can get your time at? or even marriage? what about kids? and how about laying under the stars talking about how special the person is?
Oh come on. Just chill. And relax. Why do you want to think about something that you don't even know or can grasp even a 5% of it. Don't dream too much, they'll break you. Just so you know, too much of dreams and hopes, kills you. You'll end up wasting your youth life, by being sad and depressed over some shit thing your partner did to you. Angry about things that doesn't even actually matter. All for what? If it's not worth it, If it's not a happy relationship, why stay?
Having relationships, is a thing to make you feel more secure, more confident, and more comfortable of yourself. Someone that makes you feel stronger, makes you smile in the morning when you wake up, you would have some vibes coming out of you when you see that person, and the hair on your neck would automatically stand up, or you would get goosebumps when you would just think about that person.
But then again you always have to make sure, it's not one-sided.
If that's the case. I'm sorry, maybe there's something wrong about you, that the other person's just not that into you. Too bad.
Was back in Kedah the other day, skipped Monday classes just to sleep in the bus for 6hours. It was good, I didn't expect to hangout with friends and everything, cause the reason to go back was just to see my lil sweethearts, and well, my dearest abang. I missed them so much, It burns!
My acne got really bad when I was there, wonder why? So my lil brother told me that he used this cream on his acne and it worked, and he gave it to me, which was Drapolene - a nappy rash cream. So I was shocked, of course. I mean come on, you don't put that on your face, or do you?
He was very convincing, like really convincing me to put it. So I did, twice. And the next day when my mother was driving me to the bus stop she asked me about it. So I told her, then she was like, making a weird face, then suddenly my brother laughed out loud in the back seat.
Oh Shit.
You got the picture.
So I laughed. Really bad. So does my mom.
So yeah that was the story of when I went back to Jitra.
