I just realise that I am ignorant.
I don't want to care.
I don't take things seriously.
I waste my time thinking alot of unreasonable and worthless stuff.
I hurt people, unintentionally. Thus hurting me more.
I don't even know what I want to do with myself.
I don't know if wether I should just do this, or that ?
What will I do, what should I think, what I want, I don't know ?
I don't know.
What do I know then ?
I've wasted so many years of my life, nothing gained from it, nothing earned from it.
nothing. I'm nothing. I can't do a thing, I feel worthless.
I should do something, my memory is decreasing, it's getting smaller, and smaller.
I need to change the memory card then, or the hard disk, whatever you call them.
Why can't I be more, sure of myself?
Why can't I be more firm on my decisions,
be more strict on what I choose, on what I want to do?
That's it, I don't want to talk anymore,
I have to stop talking shit and try to be more serious about this.
Open up your eyes, shut down unnessary stuff that'll make you lose your 'cool'.
Don't just look at things, see it.
Don't just hear things, listen.
Don't just say it, do it.
I don't want to be in bullshit anymore.
It's enough.
It's done.
I'm done with my shitty self, I'm so done with you !
Adios !
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The day that went bad but was quite okay !
Yesterday seemed to be a messed up day,
11.30 am, a call woke me up and I found out that it was the event manager that called and told me that I can perform from then till 12 and start again at 1 to 3. So I was shocked since I thought we're about to perform at night, where you know, there would be alot of people and well, she said nope it's like now, and she also said, that Azman already knew about this.
So I woke up, feeling giddy, panic attacked me and I called Azman finding out he just woke up, and he didn't know about it. So okay, I called her back, while getting ready for the show.
She answered, the first thing I asked was, where are we going to perform, and then she said, the CAFETERIA. Okkkkaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy? THE WHAT?!!!!!!!!!! and oh ! well she also said that we're the only one who's gonna perform, great !
I mean if we're the only ones about to go sing at the cafeteria might as well we just go sit somewhere at KLSENTRAL, put out a hat in front of us, and sing there. WTH. So both of us decided to ditch the 'performance' and leave to KL.
We talk and bitch all day.
We both had Subway's Italian b.m.t, and it was good.
On the way to KLCC in the Lrt, I was hungry again. But I bared with it.
So we walked to Pavi and we walked and walked, tired, still walking.
Then we went to BB, walk again, walk and walk and walk.
I went grumpy, I was tired, my hipbones are killing me.
I want to just sit down.
But despite everything, I love walking with this lil boy.
It seems like, there's alot of school kids today, and it annoys the crap outta me and him. Acting cool and everything, ergh, KIDS.
Surprisingly, I only spent a total of Rm 60 and it includes a new skarf, 2 new hair clippers, and a headband, and food and transportation. And I'm Happy :D
Anyways!
Now I feel bad, cause I wanted to get a shoe from Cotton on yesterday, but I didn't cause I thought maybe I would like get it when it's on sale. And now I feel bad, and I really wanted that shoe. The nostalgia of ZARA shoes now begin, FCUK I should have gotten that shoe!
Anyway it's okay I'll get over it, I'll get over it, I have to get over it!
So yeah today I'm just gonna chill, do my assingments that I've been stocking up, and maybe hangout with Azman again, have KFC or something. Perhaps Ilyas's gonna come back tonight. Yeah we'll see how it goes then, I still have my Eng summary that's due tomorrow ! Oh S h i t s ! haha
11.30 am, a call woke me up and I found out that it was the event manager that called and told me that I can perform from then till 12 and start again at 1 to 3. So I was shocked since I thought we're about to perform at night, where you know, there would be alot of people and well, she said nope it's like now, and she also said, that Azman already knew about this.
So I woke up, feeling giddy, panic attacked me and I called Azman finding out he just woke up, and he didn't know about it. So okay, I called her back, while getting ready for the show.
She answered, the first thing I asked was, where are we going to perform, and then she said, the CAFETERIA. Okkkkaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy? THE WHAT?!!!!!!!!!! and oh ! well she also said that we're the only one who's gonna perform, great !
I mean if we're the only ones about to go sing at the cafeteria might as well we just go sit somewhere at KLSENTRAL, put out a hat in front of us, and sing there. WTH. So both of us decided to ditch the 'performance' and leave to KL.
We talk and bitch all day.
We both had Subway's Italian b.m.t, and it was good.
On the way to KLCC in the Lrt, I was hungry again. But I bared with it.
So we walked to Pavi and we walked and walked, tired, still walking.
Then we went to BB, walk again, walk and walk and walk.
I went grumpy, I was tired, my hipbones are killing me.
I want to just sit down.
But despite everything, I love walking with this lil boy.
It seems like, there's alot of school kids today, and it annoys the crap outta me and him. Acting cool and everything, ergh, KIDS.
Surprisingly, I only spent a total of Rm 60 and it includes a new skarf, 2 new hair clippers, and a headband, and food and transportation. And I'm Happy :D
Anyways!
Now I feel bad, cause I wanted to get a shoe from Cotton on yesterday, but I didn't cause I thought maybe I would like get it when it's on sale. And now I feel bad, and I really wanted that shoe. The nostalgia of ZARA shoes now begin, FCUK I should have gotten that shoe!
Anyway it's okay I'll get over it, I'll get over it, I have to get over it!
So yeah today I'm just gonna chill, do my assingments that I've been stocking up, and maybe hangout with Azman again, have KFC or something. Perhaps Ilyas's gonna come back tonight. Yeah we'll see how it goes then, I still have my Eng summary that's due tomorrow ! Oh S h i t s ! haha
Friday, May 21, 2010
Something Wrong
Something has gone wrong this morning, it's not like I woke up from the wrong side of the bed, that'd be preposterous since there's only one side of the bed that I can get down to. And it's not like I haven't had enough sleep or anything cause I slept for almost like 11hours! Seriously I don't think there's anything wrong with anything but the thing is there must be something wrong if not I won't feel this way! What's wrong with me?
Anyways,
The thing is, I feel, tired. Wonder why?
I don't feel anything in my chest, except for, nothing.
That's dangerous.
I mean seriously it is.
I feel, empty.
I feel, blank.
I feel, vain.
I wan't to have feelings again.
Anyways,
The thing is, I feel, tired. Wonder why?
I don't feel anything in my chest, except for, nothing.
That's dangerous.
I mean seriously it is.
I feel, empty.
I feel, blank.
I feel, vain.
I wan't to have feelings again.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Washing Machine Incident vs. Singing Week
It's been awhile.
College has been, wunderbar!
So far till just now when I came back from my lil date, I went to the dryer machine and found out that my clothes that was suppose to be in it(because I had put them it in of course!) was in the washing machine, still damp, FCUK!
I laughed!
Seriously I did, and I wonder why?
Maybe because I was in a good mood.
but seriously I just hope that bitch would just suffer tremendous unrecoverable body rash despite of her well mannered act she did, TO ME!
Fcuk luckily I don't know who the hell she is,
If not she would seriously get a copyrighted slap on her pretty face from me.
Last week Azman asked me to join him perform in a lil charity concert that's gonna be in this week. So we're gonna audition for it, he's playing the guitar, while I sing. It's so thrilling,
I can't feel my fingers typing! LOL
At first we decided to do The Only Exception, then we moved to Bad Romance, then suddenly it's Thinking of You! OMG all of them are my all favourite songs!
I'm excited. :D
I love singing. I love singing. I love singing.
Hahahha. I want to rehearse this mantra for this moment.
So that I have the 'vibe' to do it.
LOL
Anyways gotta get to bed now, class is in like 3 hours! WTF? haha
College has been, wunderbar!
So far till just now when I came back from my lil date, I went to the dryer machine and found out that my clothes that was suppose to be in it(because I had put them it in of course!) was in the washing machine, still damp, FCUK!
I laughed!
Seriously I did, and I wonder why?
Maybe because I was in a good mood.
but seriously I just hope that bitch would just suffer tremendous unrecoverable body rash despite of her well mannered act she did, TO ME!
Fcuk luckily I don't know who the hell she is,
If not she would seriously get a copyrighted slap on her pretty face from me.
Last week Azman asked me to join him perform in a lil charity concert that's gonna be in this week. So we're gonna audition for it, he's playing the guitar, while I sing. It's so thrilling,
I can't feel my fingers typing! LOL
At first we decided to do The Only Exception, then we moved to Bad Romance, then suddenly it's Thinking of You! OMG all of them are my all favourite songs!
I'm excited. :D
I love singing. I love singing. I love singing.
Hahahha. I want to rehearse this mantra for this moment.
So that I have the 'vibe' to do it.
LOL
Anyways gotta get to bed now, class is in like 3 hours! WTF? haha
Monday, May 10, 2010
My Psycho self
Last night, something went terribly wrong with me, again.
As usual I got cranky and moody, and my heart would throbbed solemnly, destroying a fine rainy day, and a wonderful football match night.
What a piece of crap to have this shitfeelings.
Anyways it went uncontrollable and I really felt sick of it.
Then, in the work of God I felt like reading and I came into the next season of this manga that I was following.
Something about this episode that made me think hard, and made myself clear about certain things. Totally changed my perspective on myself, and made me think " Wow, I never thought life could be so simpler, deal with your problems, not making them deal you, just be yourself, shut down your feelings ( for awhile) , concentrate on one thing, and that is your passion, your life, your future, YOU. "
And after that, I felt better, I was cured by my sick self, and I went smiling around in my room, with my arms wide open. Just to exaggerate things more, I was rolling around on my single bed while singing Lady gaga's new song till I fell down and laughed about it and thought of rolling some more while sing of another song ( well that's like too much now!)
The point is, I was better. I feel better. And just by that, people around me, felt even better. I mean if everyone's happy, I don't think there's even some lil time to be sad about anything.
Yes I agree some people have their own problems, but come on, there's nothing in this world you can't do, and by your own choice, it's wether you want it or not. That's all. Still not satisfied?
Okay, you've no idea what I've been through my life, so what the fuck is wrong with you?!
I think, Life is not about being sad or disappointed, it's about what you have in your life that makes you wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, excited, and have a smile on your face when you're goin to bed at night. If you don't know what it is, search for it, with diligence, with your heart.
Honestly, I haven't found what I want in my life, or what I would love to do in or with my life, but it doesn't mean I have to be sad and crappy all the fcking time? Right? Why don't I just go with what so ever is happening, do the best, and well, maybe in time, I'll know what I want. I mean for sure, God wont let me be in err.
As usual I got cranky and moody, and my heart would throbbed solemnly, destroying a fine rainy day, and a wonderful football match night.
What a piece of crap to have this shitfeelings.
Anyways it went uncontrollable and I really felt sick of it.
Then, in the work of God I felt like reading and I came into the next season of this manga that I was following.
Something about this episode that made me think hard, and made myself clear about certain things. Totally changed my perspective on myself, and made me think " Wow, I never thought life could be so simpler, deal with your problems, not making them deal you, just be yourself, shut down your feelings ( for awhile) , concentrate on one thing, and that is your passion, your life, your future, YOU. "
And after that, I felt better, I was cured by my sick self, and I went smiling around in my room, with my arms wide open. Just to exaggerate things more, I was rolling around on my single bed while singing Lady gaga's new song till I fell down and laughed about it and thought of rolling some more while sing of another song ( well that's like too much now!)
The point is, I was better. I feel better. And just by that, people around me, felt even better. I mean if everyone's happy, I don't think there's even some lil time to be sad about anything.
Yes I agree some people have their own problems, but come on, there's nothing in this world you can't do, and by your own choice, it's wether you want it or not. That's all. Still not satisfied?
Okay, you've no idea what I've been through my life, so what the fuck is wrong with you?!
I think, Life is not about being sad or disappointed, it's about what you have in your life that makes you wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, excited, and have a smile on your face when you're goin to bed at night. If you don't know what it is, search for it, with diligence, with your heart.
Honestly, I haven't found what I want in my life, or what I would love to do in or with my life, but it doesn't mean I have to be sad and crappy all the fcking time? Right? Why don't I just go with what so ever is happening, do the best, and well, maybe in time, I'll know what I want. I mean for sure, God wont let me be in err.
It's good that rather than I would be sad about a person that doesn't even mean anything to me,
I should instead be learning about myself, cause I can sometimes, amuse myself ! lol!
I should instead be learning about myself, cause I can sometimes, amuse myself ! lol!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
For you, Cik Din
How time had pass.
How I lied that I wouldn't let a single tear drop for you
How I thought at first that I would never be sad for you anymore,
or sad when you left,
I was arrogant, I was stubborn,
which you taught me that,
Both of us were, stupid. Childish.
I now imagine myself when I was younger,
when I was feeble, when I didn't know the world,
when I thought that all I have in this world, was only me,
I was furious, I was angry,
I despise you.
But then I grew older,
I fell down, I got up,
my heart was broken,
my chest was wide open,
my head filled with questions and thoughts,
my tears shed without limit.
Then only I understand you,
then only I forgave you,
then only, I realize,
I pitied you. I felt sorry for you.
but at the same time
I loved you, and I needed you.
You are what you are,
I was just growing up to be what I am,
I should just give in, instead of being hardheaded,
as much as you tried to win our hearts,
I stayed cold,
I was you.
I am you.
I regretted that now.
I didn't gain anything from that,
I cried by the scent of you now,
I miss you, somehow?
I wonder how?
I understand now,
I'm sorry,
I know you've already forgiven me,
but the guilt will always be there,
scarring me.
It's okay, this is my penalty,
for not being myself, for being an egomaniac,
for being stupid.
Thank you.
You've trained me well,
there's nothing I can't handle in my life now.
I'm so forever grateful, for everything you've done,
everything you've said,
everything you've given me.
I love you, I'm sorry.
I miss you, bapak.
The Friday leads to the Saturday
Yesterday I woke up at 1010 am to the realization that I am late for the only class of the day - Good job Liyana! Anyways, I went to shower, and got dressed, and walked to class, 20 minutes later. Knocked on the door, went in, sat downtook out my book, and 5 minutes later, it's dismissed.
WOW! AWESOME.
Had lunch with the group after that, went back to my room a few times since I continuesly forgot stuffs, and well at least I had myself some walking exercise. No complaints.
At first the plan was that Nissa and us are goin out together, but she couldn't come, so it's just me and Chris. I just randomly decided to go to Border's in MidValley, but in the end, we ended up having a late lunch at Subway's and went for a stroll around KLCC. Haha, what a day!
Was searching for toilets on every freaking floor and the management decided to close them down for maintainence, lastly went to Parkson's( I guess?) or was it Isetan? anyway I went to their toilet, which was in bad shape, erkh, made me eery and furious!
We were squished in the KTM like a tin of sardine on the way back to Nilai, it was bad, adding up the fun was some Bangla's body odour, and OMG it was Great! Oh, it's giving me goosebumps now!
I had a tiring day, we walked and walked and walked, and well, you got the picture. But I just loved my company, I didn't mind waiting for the effing bus of Nilai not showing up till 10pm!
Time passed swiftly as both of us was pouring out our hearts, in english,(since both of us would mock each other in Malay, LOL), while sitting outside of the apartment, watching cats and guards passed by with their motorcycles, and some students came in and out, but we sat, and talked expressionally loud, and laugh our hearts out. Luckily some one didn't came up to us and beat us up for all the noise!
It was nice. I loved it. I just hope we can do it again and again.
Anyway, today I woke up at noon, thanks to him!
I thought I would be goin back to Cknuat's place today, but I decided not to, I have so many things to do in my room! So I'm done with the laundry, and the floor is swept, and mopped clean, I had MCD for lunch, had a gruesome moment with the 'cuka kurma', erkh I can't believe I have to drink it everyday, it's horrifying! What's left now is the mountain of clothes that needs some ironing! Oh yeah I'm getting independent again! lol. haha.
I feel great doing things by myself! I need time for myself, I want to spent more time, organizing my stuff, and just be in my room, cause it's just so comfy, I just can't stand it when I'm away!
I am somehow, loving it here. I love my space, my time, I love my new friends, and best of all, I'm having fun all the time. erh, I think this would worry ibu if she happens to found this journal by accident! lol haha
Don't worry Ibu I know my limits! I love you!
It's goin to be Mother's Day soon. Sulida kept calling me to check on her card for ibu, haiz, what a poet! She's amazing! I think she copied it from somewhere, and well I think she doesn't do that? I hope?! Whatever it is, I'm so proud!
Perhaps tomorrow I'm gona go get some things at 'the most happening place' in Nilai.
Now I'm just gonna go finish with the ironing.
lalalalala *humming*
WOW! AWESOME.
Had lunch with the group after that, went back to my room a few times since I continuesly forgot stuffs, and well at least I had myself some walking exercise. No complaints.
At first the plan was that Nissa and us are goin out together, but she couldn't come, so it's just me and Chris. I just randomly decided to go to Border's in MidValley, but in the end, we ended up having a late lunch at Subway's and went for a stroll around KLCC. Haha, what a day!
Was searching for toilets on every freaking floor and the management decided to close them down for maintainence, lastly went to Parkson's( I guess?) or was it Isetan? anyway I went to their toilet, which was in bad shape, erkh, made me eery and furious!
We were squished in the KTM like a tin of sardine on the way back to Nilai, it was bad, adding up the fun was some Bangla's body odour, and OMG it was Great! Oh, it's giving me goosebumps now!
I had a tiring day, we walked and walked and walked, and well, you got the picture. But I just loved my company, I didn't mind waiting for the effing bus of Nilai not showing up till 10pm!
Time passed swiftly as both of us was pouring out our hearts, in english,(since both of us would mock each other in Malay, LOL), while sitting outside of the apartment, watching cats and guards passed by with their motorcycles, and some students came in and out, but we sat, and talked expressionally loud, and laugh our hearts out. Luckily some one didn't came up to us and beat us up for all the noise!
It was nice. I loved it. I just hope we can do it again and again.
Anyway, today I woke up at noon, thanks to him!
I thought I would be goin back to Cknuat's place today, but I decided not to, I have so many things to do in my room! So I'm done with the laundry, and the floor is swept, and mopped clean, I had MCD for lunch, had a gruesome moment with the 'cuka kurma', erkh I can't believe I have to drink it everyday, it's horrifying! What's left now is the mountain of clothes that needs some ironing! Oh yeah I'm getting independent again! lol. haha.
I feel great doing things by myself! I need time for myself, I want to spent more time, organizing my stuff, and just be in my room, cause it's just so comfy, I just can't stand it when I'm away!
I am somehow, loving it here. I love my space, my time, I love my new friends, and best of all, I'm having fun all the time. erh, I think this would worry ibu if she happens to found this journal by accident! lol haha
Don't worry Ibu I know my limits! I love you!
It's goin to be Mother's Day soon. Sulida kept calling me to check on her card for ibu, haiz, what a poet! She's amazing! I think she copied it from somewhere, and well I think she doesn't do that? I hope?! Whatever it is, I'm so proud!
Perhaps tomorrow I'm gona go get some things at 'the most happening place' in Nilai.
Now I'm just gonna go finish with the ironing.
lalalalala *humming*
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
1st Day of 1st Semester
The day of the first semester started today. It was, LAME. I woke up early with the first class, cancelled, and the next one had an early dismissed, so as the 3rd one, and the last class, ENG 112, had me almost lose my mind for 2 hours?!
Anyway, today seems to be, a tiring day, since I forgot to take my vitamins this morning, and I also forgot to take my medication, lol. Nevermind, had it already.
I wonder, why some people just are too rude. Jeez makes me wanna slap them with the door. lol
Seriously there's this one bitch in class, and she's making me mad.
Went to Desa Palma, had nasi kandar, with fellow zoo members, lol. And decided to take a stroll around INTI for just a mere 10 minutes! hahha. It was weird and Random. Lol. And I saw a white with black 'love shape' cat, which for me is very cool! OMG. lol
The thing is now, is that I'm so pissed off by the itchiness of my body, that I'm scratching till bleeding(just an expression-don't come asking me about it,lol), of allergance of DUST that's piling up in my room, like everytime! even my bedsheets are all itchy. DAMN.
I'm gona get a mop tomorrow! It's driving me nuts!
Anyway, today seems to be, a tiring day, since I forgot to take my vitamins this morning, and I also forgot to take my medication, lol. Nevermind, had it already.
I wonder, why some people just are too rude. Jeez makes me wanna slap them with the door. lol
Seriously there's this one bitch in class, and she's making me mad.
Went to Desa Palma, had nasi kandar, with fellow zoo members, lol. And decided to take a stroll around INTI for just a mere 10 minutes! hahha. It was weird and Random. Lol. And I saw a white with black 'love shape' cat, which for me is very cool! OMG. lol
The thing is now, is that I'm so pissed off by the itchiness of my body, that I'm scratching till bleeding(just an expression-don't come asking me about it,lol), of allergance of DUST that's piling up in my room, like everytime! even my bedsheets are all itchy. DAMN.
I'm gona get a mop tomorrow! It's driving me nuts!
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Zoo
O M G.
It's been a while.
Actually I am kinda sleepy now, but I can't sleep peacefully if I don't write down what I'm thinking of now!
Well first thing's first.
I was in Nilai UC for these last 2 weeks, and it was undescribable!
I mean I didn't think I'll be making lots of friends, in such a short time!
I am improving. I am looking forward to go back to college, isn't that great?
LOL. (now this seems to be my trademark?)
Seriously, I already know who's my enemy the first week of orientation! Like SERIOUSLY!
I even have friends that call each other by the type of animals found in the campus, for instance, the monkey-which are many many many around my apartment. There are even puppies, and tigers, lizards, CATS, etc.. etc.. I mean, it's almost like a mini zoo!
The fun part about it, is that I am already loving it!
Although the session was ridiculously boring! But the fun was always there when I'm with friends.
Things wasn't always a good thing this week, I also had some problems regarding some people who decided to be concern about my fcking life, whereas I never actually found the point after we had some 'discussions' and family gatherings. And I just couldn't stand it anymore that I snapped and decided not to bother about it anymore. They are smartasses, and who am I to say anything to them, so I might as well just shut up. And forget. Not forgive, though.
The good thing is, I have my friends, to chill me up. I don't know why, but somehow, they help me. It's great.
I miss them already, especially the monkey. Somehow, I'm thinking of the monkey now. Weird?
lol. life is good. I'm chillin.
It's been a while.
Actually I am kinda sleepy now, but I can't sleep peacefully if I don't write down what I'm thinking of now!
Well first thing's first.
I was in Nilai UC for these last 2 weeks, and it was undescribable!
I mean I didn't think I'll be making lots of friends, in such a short time!
I am improving. I am looking forward to go back to college, isn't that great?
LOL. (now this seems to be my trademark?)
Seriously, I already know who's my enemy the first week of orientation! Like SERIOUSLY!
I even have friends that call each other by the type of animals found in the campus, for instance, the monkey-which are many many many around my apartment. There are even puppies, and tigers, lizards, CATS, etc.. etc.. I mean, it's almost like a mini zoo!
The fun part about it, is that I am already loving it!
Although the session was ridiculously boring! But the fun was always there when I'm with friends.
Things wasn't always a good thing this week, I also had some problems regarding some people who decided to be concern about my fcking life, whereas I never actually found the point after we had some 'discussions' and family gatherings. And I just couldn't stand it anymore that I snapped and decided not to bother about it anymore. They are smartasses, and who am I to say anything to them, so I might as well just shut up. And forget. Not forgive, though.
The good thing is, I have my friends, to chill me up. I don't know why, but somehow, they help me. It's great.
I miss them already, especially the monkey. Somehow, I'm thinking of the monkey now. Weird?
lol. life is good. I'm chillin.
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