To my sweetheart.

For my sweetheart that's reading this,
I just want you to know that I miss you.
I really do!

You know who you are. And you know I still love you.
I love you, and I can't hide it.
I miss you, I miss having you around.

Just want you to know it,
that's all.

I miss you and I love you nini, still.

I surrender

I won't be selfish and burden my heart with my own thoughts anymore.
I'll stay the same, as you wished.
No more expectations, no more dreams.
Just you and me,
just us.
I'll love you, I'll stay that way.
Cause I do.
And whatever will happen next,
I don't want to be the one who'll decide.
But He will.

I don't know how to put it

Seriously, I'm having trouble with my self.
I wan't to solve this, I hate being in dilemmas.
but the thing is I don't know how to solve it!

The truth is
I love being with you. I need you, I want you.
But I know that, I can't have you to myself.
I want to, but it doesn't seem possible,
I don't want to be selfish, I understand.
I know where I stand.
I know where I should be, but I don't know how I should feel.

Should I just stay the same, as you want me to be,
or should I just ignore the fact that I need you in my life,
I need to talk to you, to hold your hands, to listen to what you'll say,
to just see your eyes, or to tease you a bit and see you laugh, annoying me back.
To tell you, that I need you, I want you.

It made me wonderful, when I knew about how you've felt.
But I still don't know how should I feel,
maybe time will decide.

No, maybe when I'm with you alot,
I'll decide.

Reality is

I admit
the way I act, has and have actually, hurt people,
I've broken hearts, plenty of hearts,
in many ways
it's not that I'm playing with it,
it's just the way I express my love and my care for it,
that it sometimes, misunderstood me,
misjudged me, and spend all their space for me,
until it went blooming for me,
but mine, was still pale.
Was still empty,
was still,
plain white.

It was always me,
always about the way that I react for it,
the way that i treat it,
that would somehow made it went overfilling with
extra whipped cream and plenty of cherries on top of it

But, has anyone, has ever made me feel that way?
to do something that'd make my heart bloom all year round
or triple extra whipped cream and strawberries and even more and more and plenty more to offer
just to satisfy me?

And to have nothing more in their mind, except to just love me,
No wedding rings, or kids together, or even a house by the beach,
just to love me, and to know that I love them back.
because by then, I definitely will.

Just be sincere with me.

That's all I ask, nothing more.

The Only Exception

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

My heart

You know how I feel?
I'm not sure, but somehow,
I feel like I should tell you,
that I can't sleep at night without having you in my mind,
and the slightest most smallest hope of just
having your smell, your perfume,
can actually calm me down.
Because it's from you, that everything is just, so wonderful.

I already miss you so deeply, even when you just left me,
for just half and hour ago that you went away,
went back to where you're needed.
It's okay, I'll wait for my turn.

I want your perfume.
I want your smell, so that I could be apart of you,
apart of the person, that I miss all the time,
It's gonna kill me if I don't see you in front of me,
For a certain period,
but at least when I have your smell, it'll restain myself from suicide.

I'll miss you.
Don't worry, I won't forget you,
How can I forget you?? my breathing mechanism?
My most important part of the body?
My most valuable treasure God has bestowed upon me,
My life?

It'll only happen if only I went cuckoo, or I accidentally lost my mind,
Which I certainly know would never happen!
other than that, never!

STAY OUT

Just have one thing to say to you,
Don't ever try to eff with me,
We have no business to deal,
so stay out.

Ps. bad seeds comes from bad treess.

The end.

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

Sometimes I wonder if some people would just feel guilty (or not) , when they only try to contact me, when they would only have problems - big problems.
Oh yeah, what about all those times when you've sworn to be there for each other.
I bet you don't remember that anymore. Whatever !
I don't care, really. It's just annoying when I know that you're doing that.
And you don't even realize it, or try to do something about it?

Well I'm not saying I'm perfect, but at least I tried.
Did you try? NOPE.

Darling when you go away, you took a piece of me with you

When you came by, my heart went accelerating, it was, relieved.
I was relieved, when I see the sight of you,
especially when I hold your hands, or put it close to your chest,
and listen to what you'd say, to just stay in there.
It calms me, I'm relieved, I don't have anything else in my mind,
except for the smell of Dunhill, and the warmth of your hands.

I love you with all my heart, and it makes me even more happier - the happiest
to know how you felt for me, how my departure away from you
can make your tears drooling, and how just my smile, is calming for you.

How can I trust someone so much? With all my heart that is?
Because i know,
that it's not me that's loving you,
it was never mine in the first place,
and thank you for all the things you've done for me,
I will love you, till eternity, and when we would meet again,
after we die, I would always miss you, as someone that actually,
made me feel the very best of me, the very best of anything,
the very best that I can be. And more.

Thank you for your appreciation,
I just hope that God would actually give you,
the the calmness that you lack, always.
Not just when you see me, because you deserve it.
You deserve more than everything,
more than I could ever thought of giving you.

I love you - and I love you.
The love I felt for you, isn't the same when I feel for someone,
it's eternal, I know it is, because I can never see the worse in you,
not even a small tiny grain of salt.
You're just my everything - that's all.

Believe in Him

Ola.
These past few days has been filled with me
cleaning up my stuff, folding up my clothes into a huge bag that I'm gonna take with me to college,
and messing up my room, with things that I'm gona pass out to my sis
(since I wont be needing them anymore)
Well anyhuus, I totally felt the urge to cry when I think about leaving for college.
What a sissy, oh god, what's wrong now.
I have no idea what's wrong, the idea is just sad. Still no clue why.

Still has a week to go till I actually leave for college. Oh What the hell.
Today me and ibu talked about how close our family relationship is.
It seems what my father told her before he died, left a mark in her heart, somewhere.
He said, something like "thanks for taking good care of the children, you've done a great job"
Wow I bet she was proud, I would have too.
Looking at us now, for sure I would be really proud.
We're just perfect of each other, and we don't need of anything else in this world.
It doesn't matter if there's gonna be the apocalypse, it's gonna be fine,
as long as we have the four of us, there's nothing that can scare us,
except losing one of us, that scares the life out of us,
or me I guess.

I don't know, for me, I don't care if I don't have anything else in this world,
even a lover by my side, as long as I have these people in my life,
there's nothing more I want, I'm happy as I am,
and furthermore, a lover doesn't always make you happy all the time.

I wonder how heaven works, are we goin to see each other, even when we're in heaven?
or hell, I'm not quite sure.
Well for what it may seems, I still have a long way to go, to think about how heaven works,
or never,
but who cares, for now, I should just chill and live how it's suppose to be.
Just go with the flow.

Sometimes, I worry about dumb things,
I'm being mean to myself,
why don't I believe in him much,
there's always this rebellious thoughts in mind,
even stupid things,
now when I thnk about it again,
why should I worry how my life would work like,
as long as I know for what I'm doing it, and how I'm doing it,
I'll leave the rest to Him,
He is the all creator :)

P.s just chill, and go with the flow. It will all be fine.

Full of crap

I have cramps. Shit.
I'm goin to college in less than two weeks. Damn.
My room is messy and I don't know where to start. Shit.
It's warm that my pain is getting worse. Damn.
I'm not even ready for college, and I'm goin in like 2 weeks?! WTF.

Okay now I should calm down, and sleep.

FCUK I hate being in this stress. FCKFCKFCK!

Happy or Sad ?

Yesterday, I got the acceptance letter from Nilai UC.
I was glad. I could finally go and study now, after for some time, I've been doing nothing at home. Last night, when I thought about it again, it will be only two weeks, that I'll be staying in my room, in this house, in this town before I would go start a new chapter, before I would start my studying.
Then it struck me outta nowhere. The feelings became heavy. I was...... sad?
Why would I be sad? It's not like I'm going to the States, again (I wish).
but somehow, the feeling was rather discomforting.
I'm spoiled, by my mother, my sister, and my brother.
I have someone to take care of my food, my laundry, and my untidy things.
And now I'm leaving them, for what I don't know.
And I'm leaving him. We won't be seeing each other as much anymore.
I don't know, I should be happy, and I should be ready. But somehow, I'm NOT.
I don't want to leave home, I want to stay here, and take care of things,
for all these months, I've had the control of this house,
I can't imagine myself not being here, not doing things with my brother or sis,
not being able to kiss my mom goodnight, every night,
not being able to eat whatever food that comes in mind, just by asking, and I got it.
There's so many other things that's more important. It's overwhelming.

Now, I don't want to leave. But I have to. And I will. Because it's my responsibility.
Till when will I worry about them? Forever I guess, but I have to live my own life too.
And I hope somehow they would understand how important it is to live a good life, to listen to whatever my mom tells them to, to do their homework, or to just think about life.

I think I'll come home, like twice a month. Or at least once a month (whoa can't imagine tht).
I'll be starting to pack my things, and well, clean my room, set out a 'meeting time' with fellow board members, farewell dinners, or movies, and well maybe some time to cook together perhaps. Eat as much as I can, while I'm here. And probably get some new clothes, LOL.

Whatever it is, I love you guys so much that I've no regret staying home for the last 10months!
And I wish I can stay longer. There's no place like home!

The Promise God made.

Today, abang forwarded something very valuable to me, it helped me alot. I love it.
It's my most favourite motto, now it is.

Firman Allah kepada Muhammad,
"Apakah yang membimbangkan kamu lagi sedangkan Aku telah berjanji bahawa Aku akan pelihara segala urusan dunia dan akiratmu jika kamu berserah diri dan mendampingkan diri kepada Ku. Sesungguhnya, tiadalah Aku menyalahi janji Ku padamu."